Marriage

Okay, so I recently finished `The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' and I would recommend it. This may be a very boring post for some but I think it's important for me to summarize the book and point out what John Gottman believes to be the main principles. I'm not sure what is okay to say and not say in regards to our marriage but I will throw a bit of it throughout. The reason I wanted to read a good marriage book is because I found that when Kai came into the picture, our perfectly functioning marriage seemed to go through a rough patch. Lack of sleep along with our new roles were tough on both of us. Once I was sleeping through the night (maybe at 7 months?), things got MUCH better!



Principle 1: Enhance your love maps (being intimately familiar with each other's world)

-knowing each others favourites, and also beliefs, fears

-talking through how your family showed sadness, anger, affection etc. growing up

-making sure you have time to catch up on each others day every day (debrief)

*Gary and I are very good at debriefing. When Gary gets home we talk for about 15 minutes about what happened in each others day....he usually initiates. When we work together, we debrief on the drive home. We do know each other quite well as we really worked on a friendship first, before we got married. *



Principle 2: Nurture your Fondness and Admiration

-do you treat guests better than your spouse?

-letting your partner know what you admire and appreciate about them AND feeling it in return

-feeling supported by your spouse

-think about why you cherish your partner

*This is the one chapter I'm going to get Gary to read. I def. need words of affirmation although Gary does not (as much). Therefore I say things like `Hey Gary, doesn't the house look clean? Hey Gary, didn't I make a good dinner? Hey Gary, aren't I a fun mom?'. Somehow asking these things doesn't make his affirmation as strong as if he had just said it in the first place. I def. need to remember to focus more on Gary's strengths, especially when times are a bit more stressful because I think I treat guests better than him sometimes*



Principle 3: Turn towards each other instead of away

-do you enjoy spending free time together?

-do you enjoy discussing things together?

-are you spiritually compatible?

-do you like to do a lot of the same things?

*Gary and I do enjoy doing the day to day things together; grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, baking, watching tv etc. We both love the outdoors and playing outside. I think it is important that we don't do everything together but I love that we have more in common than I originally thought when we got married. I thought we were so different only because he grew up more conservatively than I did. That is not a huge difference. Also, he is a man. That will make him different:)*



Principle 4: Let your partner influence you

-sharing power and decision making

*I think Gary and I really respect each others point of views and are good at making decisions together (except for a baby girl name!!!). If I have a problem, I believe that Gary can help me work through it and I believe the same is true for him. I generally feel `heard' by him*



Principle 5: Solve your solvable problems (in laws, laundry, money, sex...)

-soften your `start up' (how you approach an issue). Discussions generally end on the same note that they begin.

-make and receive repair attempts (a way to deescalate the situation with humour or taking breaks)

-soothe yourself and each other

-compromise (accept influence)

-be tolerant of each others faults (get rid of the `if onlies' and accept your partners flaws)

*Gary and I never (okay, maybe 2X/year) raise our voices at each other and we throw a whole lotta `sweeties' into the conversation which helps a tense conversation. I think that we are very fortunate that we come from similar family backgrounds. Also, Gary is helpful with household chores and never argue about money as we are on the exact same page.*



Principle 6: Overcome gridlock

-generally because the dreams for your life aren't beind addressed or respected

-don't need to solve the problem but move towards dialogue

*I think we are very fortunate that we are both Christians, come from similar family backgrounds, and that we both knew, more or less, what we wanted in life before we got married. There is no major problem that we need to overcome that I know of. *



Principle 7: Create shared meaning

-create your own microculture with rituals and customs (family dinners together, church on Sundays, views on parenting etc).

*We both kind of carried on the customs that we grew up with. We've had no issues in parenting (so far!!) because both of us came from families that were all over the discipline, positive reinforcement, routine and schedules.*



Okay, so this is probably very boring to read but I'm interested in reading it in a couple months from now and seeing where Gary and i are at and whether we still seem to be on the same page with everything. Besides, a summary will allow Gary to get the gist of this book:) So ya, if you are looking for a book on marriage, I give it an 8/10. So nervous for our marriage in the first 6 months of baby Chapman's life. Praying it goes better this time!!!!

Kai's new duds

(In his new `Gary' shirt)

Yesterday morning, before Gary went to bball (where they finished 2nd in the tourney), I went to a Kids Swap Meet. Haven't been in forever but I was thinking I could maybe buy Kai some `new' boots, shoes, and maybe some games. I love that he can now play games, it makes our play time a whole lot more fun! By games, I mean mostly matching letters/pictures, copying words etc.

I found a great table where the husband was trying to get rid of all his boy stuff because he wanted to park his car in the garage again. Every item was $1 and I probably got about $50 worth for $5:) I also found the next size shoe for Kai and a pair of rain boots for $2 each.

Okay, the shirt might be a bit too big but he'll grow into it:) Here is he is with his new Dora game. Right now we just practice taking turns to put the letters in order but one day we'll be able to turn the letters over and learn what apple starts with etc.

Me: Hey Kai, can you share your jelly beans with me?

Kai: I can't mommy. They're too chewy for girls.

Well, time to head to church!

26 more sleeps!!

First Day of Maternity Leave!!

The best part of maternity leave (aka easiest) is probably right now. Just a 2 year old to take care of and my very pregnant self. I will be making sure that I take a lot of time to just sit down and read a book but I went a bit nuts this morning; baking, cooking, cleaning, groceries, marking labs etc. I would say the hardest thing at this point is running errands with Kai. I have to take him with me because Gary is way too busy these days so I can't wait til Gary gets home or everything will be closed! It's just tough heaving Kai in and out of the van/grocery cart and making sure he doesn't run away from me or throw a fit. The other day, it was the first time I was unable to follow through with a time out because he physically would not go and it was not worth it for my back to make him.

I cut Kai's hair this morning. It looks wild I know, it will look better after a bath. This is his `I can't believe you are not giving me any candy' face. Sorry bud but 8am is a bit too early for candy!

For about half an hour this morning, Kai read stories to the baby monkey and even gave it one of his Bubi's! It was really funny listening to him reading and talking the way I do to him. `This is a lion, do you know what a lion says? Do you know what letter this is? Point to the `D'!' At one point he yelled downstairs to me, `Mommy, I farted!' I said, `Kai, what do you say?' He said, `Excuse me!' . Then, he went back to monkey and I heard him say `Monkey, you have to say `scuse me after you fart'. When it was time for his nap this afternoon he started whispering and said we have to be quiet because the monkey is sleeping. Hmmmm...sounds like a pretty good big brother to me!

****

I've decided to make fudge for my Christmas cookie exchange. I never make it and I never buy it because its so pricey so why not? So far, I've made 3 dozen...just go to make 2.5 more! I made a creamy maple/vanilla one and a rocky road one. I learned that Gary does not like marshmallows. Interesting. After 3.5 years of marriage, this never came up. Guess there's always more to learn! I just finished my marriage book and I'd like to do a separate post on that. I'd say that Gary and I are a pretty strong team based on what I read...woohoo!! Def. room for improvement but still, good to see all the areas we excel in!

***

One last thing...Kai and I were able to go to Gary's first bball game of the year. They are in a tourney so the game was at 4:15pm. They won!!! Kai only made it to the half but I think they've got a pretty decent team this year so that's good. Room for lotsa growth, but still, not bad! Kai was cute, he danced when they pumped the music during a time out, he was trying to dribble during the half, and he cheered `Defense!' and `Go Justin!' without me asking him too. So cute.

***

Okay, one MORE thing. I signed Kai up for a community sports class where a bunch of 2 year olds learn how to play several different sports. It starts in January and is just once a week. I'm hoping that he'll be able to run around a ton. He loves racing and playing sports but I'm not the best companion for that right now! I also signed him up for preschool in September and he got in. Although, he got into the afternoon class which was NOT my first choice. I guess he won't be napping anymore though, once he's three. I never thought I would be a person to sign my kid up for stuff because growing up, we could never afford it (my sister Maria and I took `painting and sketching' one year and that was it). However, our yard is not the tree farm that I grew up on so there's def. less to do at our house!

***

Okay, time for the next batch of fudge...

Our lil baby

I just need to post quickly...I saw our baby. It is so cute. Seriously, it looked so chubby and adorable and looked like it could be in my arms right now. I cried when I saw his/her face. It looked like a girl face (as if you can tell!) but she said something like `Oh, you have another boy at home too?' or something like that. The ultrasound technician was soooo nice (Katie, I must've got the good one!) and she let me see the screen almost the entire time. She chatted with me throughout and laughed when the baby kept kicking her the entire time. Big, big kicks. The ultrasound weight/size can be way off and the estimated size was 6lbs 2oz +/- 15oz. So, it looks like the baby should be somewhere between 8-9lbs when born. I'm still going with 8lbs 12oz for a girl and 9lbs 2oz for a boy:) I'm measuring 1.5 weeks ahead of where I am according to the ultrasound. I may scan and post the pictures I have. I got to see up the nostrils (never seen that before!) and when we went to see the face again at the end, the baby had turned away which was too bad. I also saw the kidneys, stomach, heart, feet, legs, arms...everything! It was great. The baby has big toes. So cute. I can't believe there's a lil Chapman in there! We're going to have a new baby soon...I can't wait!

December!!

My headache left me last night..woohoo! So nice to wake up and feel normal. Nothing like a little pain to make you appreciate your health a little more. Gary got home last night at 6:45pm and we decided to decorate the tree. Kai was SO pumped. We did it in 15 minutes so it doesn't look the snazziest. He had to go to bed at 7:15pm and was up til at least 8:30pm. He really has no idea what is going on, but, a tree in the house, with fun balls on it, is VERY cool:)

(I told him to say `cheese' and instead he yelled out `Max and Ruby!')

(A penguino!!!)

He saw a pretend Santa dancing at Walmart and was confused about who this person was. I did not grow up believing in Santa Claus and I'm not really sure how much I should tell him about Santa. We just bought him one small present this year and Gary and I aren't getting eachother anything. I just really think we have so much already and have purchased so much throughout the year anyway (camera and van)!

(We are using the chocolate countdown calendar that goes all the way to New Years as a countdown for the baby)

(34 weeks)

Our baby is supposed to be born in exactly one month from today. I have a feeling that with all the Christmas festivities, the time will fly by! I only have one day left of work and I'm so excited to use my days off to prepare for the baby by relaxing (READING!!!!), baking, cooking, and cleaning. Oh ya, having fun with Kaisie too. He's such a monkey. He can go from being the sweetest, funniest, most charming guy ever to...the opposite. Generally it is short lived but still, he does know how to drive me crazy. He is still wildy into letters...he wants to know how to spell every word, what it starts with etc. He does not understand the sounds that different letters make which would allow him to figure it out for himself but we are trying. He'll go `Guh Guh Guh Gramma!' but doesn't recognize that the Guh sound is a G. As for numbers, he still is not really recognizing them so that is what we are learning these days.

(Kai and daddy cuddling after he got home from basketball tonight)

Gary's beard provided a lot of entertainment for Kai. They would chant `Kai and Itchy, Itchy and Kai!'. Kai was sad when Gary shaved it but is glad that daddy still has two small itchies (his sideburns).

Ultrasound tomorrow!! I know they are usually off by about 1/2 lb but I think its way more accurate then the doctor just feeling my uterus! Last time at 32 weeks, they predicted that Kai was 6lbs and generally a baby gains 1/2lb per week which would make him 10lbs at 40 weeks. He was born 3 days early so it was pretty much right on with 9lbs 11oz! There's also something reassuring about them checking to see that everything looks okay still. One last thing, I have a pole by my bed. No, not for anything fun:) It is so perfect for getting out of bed during the night and will be wonderful after my C-section. It was my mom's (she received palliative care at her home the entire time) and I'm glad to put it to good use. If anyone ever needs it for their pregnancy or post C-section, let me know!

Tension Headache

Just need to complain about my headache. I seem to be getting them every few weeks or so and they last 2-3 days long. It's probably a combo of things; stress (this teaching week is stressing me out), fatigue (improper sleep), carrying extra weight (so interested to see what the ultrasound shows in regards to the baby's size), dehydration (I don't drink enough water). Maybe a walk in the cool air will help? I feel like I can't do anything. Nothing. It's only 8:15am and Gary is not home til 7 pm. Talking about that, he has bball 5 days this week. Let the fun begin:) Well, maybe I'll make Kai go for a walk with me right now...

Parents of three...for 24 hours:)

Today we have Ani and Bbelle over while Maria and Kris have a romantic weekend away. They are currently all in bed, although I think Bbelle is the only one sleeping. This is Bbelle's first sleepover (she just turned one last week) and I have to say that her crying flustered me. Thankfully it was only about half an hour. I'd say that based on my experience so far (no leaving the house and no meltdowns) that it wasn't bad at all. I mean, it was Gary and I taking them all on so it went fine. On my own, not so sure:) We'll see how it goes taking them all to church tomorrow!

On the move!

Blurry picture but they were pumped for Playdoh and played nicely with it!

No wonder it was easy, we just strapped them in in front of the tv:) Just kidding...they wanted to sit in their carseats...fine with me!

This kid is always smiling

Okay, a little embarrassed to post this scrapbook page as I may be getting into digital scrap booking. Well, basically just using free downloads. I tried last year, lost all my stuff, and just this week started up again. We'll see what I actually do with it...I've also made our Christmas cards using digital scrapbooking so I'll post it soon:)

In conclusion, I am extremely exhausted. I have been having huge issues with sleep. Falling asleep at 1:30 am or getting up at 5am, and having to go to work like that. Fortunately my report cards are done and I only have this week left for school. That means I can nap while Kai naps. Hopefully. I get to see my baby via ultrasound on Wed. Cool. We have a new baby girl name. Gary finally said to me,`Pick whatever you want' and I chose one that he only voted a 6/10 (which isn't bad, I think he gave one a 7/10?). We'll see how long I keep this one for. I really like what it means but I'm concerned people may pronounce it wrong which I never thought would happen with Kai but so many people call him Kia or Key or something.

I also had a major cry fest last night (phew, felt good to get it out...nothing like a good overtired cry!). I was so happy that I was not missing my mom these days because I was worried it would hit me hard when the baby was born. Well, it hit me last night. I feel like I need to adopt a mom. I don't mean disrespect to the memory of my mom but I just need the impossible role filled; someone who listens so intently and cares deeply for all I say. Someone who is so proud of me and lets me know it all the time. Someone who asks me the questions about me and truly cares for the answers I give. Someone who thinks I'm so funny and yet hurts when I'm sad. To those of you that are my friends or family, thank you for caring for me, but you know what I mean, the depth that I desire is one that I feel is only met by a mother for her child. I know that God cares for me in this way, but the interaction is different. Sometimes I wish Gary was a little more emotional and empathetic but I know that overall it is best that we are different. So, if you could remember me in your prayers that would be fantastic. Not only that this last month goes well for me and baby but that I will feel supported and loved and well rested:)

Doctor Visit

Here are the stats for my check up at 33.5 weeks:

My weight gain: 24lbs (according the doctors scale but his is a little on the nice side), my scale says 26lbs.

My blood pressure: 106/66

Baby heart rate: 144

My uterus size: measuring 36 weeks

I'm so happy that my back is doing okay at this point. Seriously. No real complaints. Just the usual insomnia, frequent urination, breathlessness, and difficulty getting up. I feel so blessed. Still no girl name. Wow. Maybe we will let Kai pick because he is pretty adamant on his choice:)

3 more days!!!

I only have three more teaching days left for the next year! So crazy! So exciting! Tonight I went out for dinner/dessert with my 4 sisters....good times. Love it.

(Kai's favourite thing to do this week is spell words...he asks how to spell a certain word and then finds all the letters. Two days ago, he asked me how to spell octagon. Where did he learn that? I would highly recommend these blocks!)

I went to Canadian tire the other day and when I got in the car to go, my car didn't go. Gary came to check it out (yay for a second vehicle!!!) but couldn't fix it. We brought it into the shop there and it was a frozen tensioner that had flipped and they had to do a bunch of stuff to free and replace it. Anyway, it ended up costing $300.00. I know this might not be a lot of money for car repairs, but for me, it just seems like a lot of money...3 photo shoots worth:) I'm so thankful for our van as I don't know what we would've done without the car for 2 days!

(He doesn't recogznize his numbers but can count to 15. I'm trying to teach him but he has little interest in that. He was reading the letters for GRAND & TOY on a box and he said all the letters and then exclaimed `That spells box!' One of his favourite parts about TV shows is watching the credits....`There's a D! M! A! etc')

`House' was great tonight, I love that show. I have oodles of marking to do tomorrow as report cards are due in a week. Well, I better head to bed and attempt to sleep. It's been taking me hours to fall asleep because the baby is being wild. Doctor appt tomorrow! Dudes, I only have 5.5 weeks left! I also get to see my baby via ultrasound next Wed which should be fun. Oh ya, I'm so forgetful. I keep phoning the wrong people and saying the wrong words and I'm not making much sense. So if I said something ridiculous above, just ignore it:)