Becoming A Foster Parent

Sixteen months ago we started the process to become foster parents.  Over those months, I've answered some questions, shared about the training process and home study, and felt encouraged that we can do this.  And now?  We are officially approved!

I don't know when we will be matched with a child; it could be anywhere from one week to several months.   What do I know?  I know that it will be hard.  I know that we will have to shift priorities.  I know that I will feel challenged.  Most importantly, I know that we have a love-filled home to share with someone who needs it and we're not doing it alone.  

I will be sharing what I can because I know that we can all learn from each other.  It sounds dorky but that's truly how I feel.  Whether it prompts you to start the process yourself, or just provide you with a little insight into the foster system, I hope it will be beneficial.

How do I feel? I'm most nervous about the timing as child care is usually the trickiest thing to manage in `regular life'.  We have a very busy June and July so I really hope that it works out that way.  It would not be ideal for the child to come just as we were heading into a wedding weekend or our one family holiday.  We would love to take him or her with us to Vancouver Island but it depends on timing (how long he or she had been with us) and also the approval of the social worker and parent(s).   We can always say `no' but in my heart I truly believe that the timing will work out.  Our August is purposely wide open for the first time...ever.  Usually it is filled up a year in advance (with wedding photography) but we felt that we should leave it free.

His or her room is ready to be personalized.  We also have bunk beds and crib just in case.  I can't wait to meet the little one that will be using this room.

I'll keep you posted.  Thank you for reading and caring!

Love,
Louise

Planning

I'm a planner. My calendar is very important to me. I have realized over time that I can only plan so much. Thought I would be teaching forever. Guess not. Thought I would be healthy forever (well, at least til I was 70 or so). Guess not. Thought we would be adopting our third child. Guess not. Thought my mom would be an oma to my kids. Guess not. So far, I have adapted to all of these changes and I'm pretty certain there will continue to be a few more valleys along the way. My main hope and prayer is just that Gary, myself, the boys and our little girl will remain healthy. Oh ya, and I really do hope we get to go to Africa as a family for 2 months to a year at some point!

We needed to make some decisions with our adoption paperwork. Not just with the agency but between Gary and I as well. We decided to have our files sent to the Ministry and if we do want to go ahead with an adoption down the road, the agency we would be working with would request the files from the ministry. We would still have to do a ton of updating stuff as that would be quite some time from now.

{Our `Dear Birth Parent' booklets were mailed back to us today.}

In regards to our family, I still have that deep desire to adopt. Gary is so good with the idea of adoption but he is not so open to the idea of four kids. I totally understand it and respect it. It's a lot of kids when you are a dad working full time (plus another part time job on the side) and you are an involved father. Oh, and when you're a bit older than your wife:) Likely what would happen is if an adoptive situation `fell into our lap' then we would seriously consider it. However, we will not actively search it out. If that makes sense.

{I had to buy hangers because seriously, the boys had maybe 3 dress shirts each hanging up. These are outfits from my sister Jan who is going to be having a boy.}

In the meantime, we are eagerly awaiting the arrival of our baby girl. Kai and Koen are amazingly gentle with my belly/their sister and are very excited about her. Koen is particularly gentle and will rub and kiss my belly while singing songs. It is so sweet and I do need to get it on video. The other day he was playing with my outtie belly button and asked if I could pee out of it:) We have a name for our little girl and you will be happy to know that it does not start with a `K' or a `C':)

You can see the wall colour in the baby room and I liked this pillow so I think there will be accents of these colours throughout the room. I'm trying to keep it pretty simple because I don't want to have to redecorate in 2 years again. I think I'm going to attempt to make my own owl mobile.

Life is good. Thankful for where I am. Okay, I have a little monkey glued to my chair and swinging me around so I better go!

Love, Louise

Baby Plans

So. Where to start. I don't want to share too much but we have shifted gears in the baby #3 department.

We still want to adopt. For sure. We are still on the list and plan to stay that way. The only way we would put our adoption on hold is if we get pregnant. That is now an option. Crazy. So yes, if we got pregnant, we would put our adoption on hold and then once our baby was a year old, we would re-open it.

Why a change in plans? Well, I really want a baby. Also, because I feel so healthy I'm starting to feel more of a desire to try to be pregnant one more time. Local adoptions are very slow right now. The only way we could probably be matched is if we were connected to someone in our community and then went through our agency with them. If we waited to be matched within the agency, I'm thinking it would be at least another 2 years. They have encouraged us to try other options. We have only been looked at (profile presented) once in the last 11 months.

We considered international. I just really, really want to have an open adoption (which I know is possible with international) that includes visiting if desired. That is much easier if in the same province!

I talked to my endocrinologist about a biological child. First off, if we are to have one, now is the time. I'm stable and in remission and off all medication. My first concern was that of the baby. There is only a 1-2% chance that he/she would have transient hyperthyroidism. This means that the first 6 months of their life, they would be hyperthyroid (shaky, skinny, irritable...so terrible!). My kids all carry the genetic possibility of having Graves' disease themselves, although, their chances are lower since they are boys and it's generally brought on after childbirth:)

In regards to me, I should be fine during pregnancy but will be monitored regularly and if need be, there is safe medication I can take. The biggest problem is that once the baby is a month old, I have a `relatively high risk' of relapsing. This sucks. However, I will be monitored and I feel like I know my thyroid better and can monitor my meds. My body responds strongly to PTU and I had too much medication last time. I know I will get through it and most likely reach remission again. When I think of Koen, he was so worth it so I just need to make sure I get support if need be. This sucks in a way because my mom would likely be my main support.

The reason I want to share this is because I feel like i'm hiding something if I don't. Also, I didn't want any surprises for everyone down the road (no, we are not pregnant yet). I also want to clarify that it's not because I'm impatient. The situation with the adoptions through this agency is much different than when we first signed up. Had we known what it was going to look like, we may have gone elsewhere.

This is hard for me. I feel like we are grieving in a way. I feel like I'm quitting. I'm wondering what God's plan is here. I mean, we could still possibly be matched in 6 months from now and all will be well. I don't like people knowing that we are trying to get pregnant now because then everyone just looks at my big belly and assumes I am:) It took a year with Koen so I'm assuming it will take a long time once again.

So, that's the scoop. If you don't know what to say, I understand. I don't know what I want to hear! Again, I really do feel like adoption is so right for our family and if we do have another biological child, I guess we're heading towards having 4 kids!

So ya, that's where we're at. For some reason this was hard to write because I'm not good with change and this is definitely a change of plans for now.

All right. Good night!

Love, Louise

Nine Months

(I only have a few minutes as the boys have been super needy all day...I just took them for a car ride to put them to sleep:) Yes, at 4pm, risky. They are just so sick and tired and Koen has refused to let go of me all day.)

It has been 9 months since we have been active on the adoption list. I've never gone 9 months waiting as both the boys were early! I actually have in my head that `full term' will be more like a year so then I will really start to feel antsy.

We just got a letter from our adoption agency about needing to update our home study since we are approaching a year since it was done. My, how time flies! There aren't really any changes to add except that I am now healthy and our basement is finished:)

I go through spurts where I feel super impatient and think that we should go international or redo our birth parent letters (I think mine is too long and there were a few mistakes in it that I would love to fix.....trying to be cool about it and just leave it be), just trying to do something different to try to make it go faster, but that passes after a few days and then I feel calm again. We still may go through Florida but after talking to the agency, I don't feel like the time is right for that right now. I think I start to feel more impatient when I see all of our baby stuff in storage and everyone starts making the next season of pregnancy announcements.

In regards to pregnancy announcements etc, I feel so much for moms that have lost a baby or child. My heart hurts for them so much. Being involved with NILMDTS has made me much more aware of it and how common infant loss is. Although I know it might be easier to just not be a part of it, the reality is that there is a need and it's something that can be done to help someone.

Not sure how to end this but I will say that I sure am thankful for my kids, with their goopy eyes, congested coughs and all.

I Love Peanut Sauce

We are well. Gary has his last bball game today. Boys are relatively healthy.

A beautiful, big baby boy was born last night and I had the privilege of photographing him. I'll have pictures on our GC blog once mom and dad have seen them etc. and share details of his arrival! I am so ready for our own little baby. Really, really ready. I just wish there was more (aka ANY) information from our adoption agency. I really feel like this adoption journey is right where we are supposed to be and I feel so excited about it. I keep wondering if I'm going to get the desire to have another biological child but so far, it's just not there. I'm thankful that we are so sure about where we are...just wishing that I knew how close (or far) we are. Wishing that someone could tell me `Yes Louise, it will happen this year!'.

By the way, I was thinking about it...you know when someone is pregnant, you ask them how they are feeling/doing? I think I would like it if people asked me how the adoption was going. I mean, I don't really have anything to say but at least it acknowledges that Chapman baby #3 is on the way. Just a thought in case you know someone else who is adopting.

Gary and I are thinking of going somewhere tropical for the second week of Spring Break (if we can find someone to watch our kids!). We might as well go now because once we have baby #3, it will be another two years before we can think about it. Besides, the only romantic trip we have done is go to the Kingfisher on the island. Gary says that our camping trips to Alaska etc were romantic but I think we sort of have different ideas in that department. There are some good deals out there right now so we'll see!!

Found out the boys don't like homemade sushi. They did like the gyoza and satay chicken with peanut sauce though. I love that my husband loves to cook. We all love to eat!

Football starts this Sunday afternoon (so excited!!!!)...time to get another jog in this week!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

Love, Louise

PS Kai's library books for the week; `What the Moon is Like' and `The Sun: Our Nearest Star'.

Ready To Fall In Love Again

{Uncle Tyler reading to the boys tonight. It's Kai's new favourite book all about the human body. Kai is specifically fascinated by white blood cells and I love how nerdy he is.}

Just a few random things first:

1. Had a great wedding on Saturday. It involved tractors and semi trucks. Can't wait to start editing tomorrow!

2. The Oil of Oregano seems to be helping Koen. I don't know how he drinks that stuff but we just put it in some juice (okay, so he never gets juice, that must be why he's drinking it). It seems as though his cold/cough/stuffiness is not as extreme now and he seems to be moving through the cold more quickly. I'm very hopeful!

3. Gary is going on his winter camp out this week.

4. I ran 5km today. Go me!

5. Totally looking forward to spring break. Fun times with our family (Tofino and Green Lake).

6. I've been working on our 2010 photobook and trying to finish it by Feb. 13th so I can get the `buy one get one free' through photobookcanada.com. I have a groupon for it so I'm trying it out as I would normally use shutterfly or blurb.

And now. I've reached a new stage. Maybe I'm just hormonal these days but man, seeing a pregnant belly makes me teary eyed. I think it is the most beautiful thing in the world. It's not that I want that baby belly, I just am so ready for a baby. I am not so ready for the sleepless nights (Yikes! I'm a little nervous for that!), but, I am so ready to fall in love with a new member of our family. I remember when I was pregnant with Koen and I was worried I could never love baby #2 as much as Kai. Boy, was I wrong. The amount of love that I have is more than I ever imagined, I can't even explain it. It's like my heart just grew, bigger and deeper, and I know that it will continue to. I love getting to know the boys more and more each day. I am just really looking forward to getting to know another little guy/girl and having our family grow. I seriously have no idea how my body will even function when we get `the call'...I have a feeling that it will be the highest high filled with a mass of nervousness. I feel like that will be one of the greatest days of my entire life.

{With baby Sami back in May)

There are moments of fear. What if, over time, we find out that this child has needs that stretch me beyond what I feel capable of? What if it never happens? What if we are never, ever chosen? I know that with any child, adopted or biological, there are things we can't control and we just have to trust that each child is specifically placed in our family for a reason.

I really want to breastfeed our baby. I think that I miss that part of having a newborn the most. Just the one on one time and the ability to soothe them almost instantaneously. Maybe I just feel more ready for the baby now because Koen is out of the crib. All that `stuff' is just waiting to be used. When Kai was Koen's age, we were pregnant already.

That's where I'm at. Gary is different. I think about it every single day. Gary doesn't. I know he will be over the moon when it does happen, but in the meantime, he just goes about his day focusing on the here and now. I wonder if I should call the agency this week... I'm trying to give about 6 weeks in between each call/email as I don't want to drive them crazy:)

On Friday, it will be exactly one year ago that we began our journey. I love where we are and look forward to what's ahead. By the way, when `it' happens, I will likely change this blog to private for a month or so. The reason would be for privacy while the adoption process is actually being completed.

I hope you all had a fabulous weekend! We did.

Love, Louise

Adoption Update: Still Waiting

{My friend, Melissa, and her beautiful baby belly}
We have almost been active for 4 months. They (adoption agency) have told us nothing. This is normal. I have emailed and called them several times for updates and all I know is that one person has looked at our profile (at the beginning of Nov). No feedback on it. No other information. It's hard. I feel like calling them every week to ask what's new but I'm restricting myself to every 6 weeks:) It's not that I feel that I `need' a baby right now, but I have the desire to know that we will be bringing home a baby in 2011. When I hear the news I will be the biggest emotional mess of my life and I can't wait.

I've tried to discuss baby names with Gary but he is not helpful in that department. I basically have to think of them and then ask his opinion. I get a `that's okay' or `not my favourite'. Not a whole lot of help. I do have a couple of boy names that I like but not a single girl name:) I also don't want to get set on a name because I would love to have that conversation with the birth parents and also take ethnicity into account.

The other thing I've been thinking about is that I am planning on breastfeeding our baby. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share that information right now, but I think it's good for people to know that you can do it! Some might think it's a little weird but I think it's beautiful and I really hope it works out. If you have done this (breastfed a baby that you did not birth), please let me know how you did it! My doctor has given me domperidone to start taking as soon as I hear any news and then I plan on pumping several times throughout the day (I'll be desperately looking for a double electric pump at that time). I'm not sure about taking medication...I may want to try more natural remedies like fenugreek. We'll see. With both boys, the first 2 weeks (or 2 months in Koen's case) were pretty rough breastfeeding but I'm glad I stuck with it. I really, really hope that I can do it again. It's weird. I don't have a desire to be pregnant, but I do have the desire to breastfeed a baby again. I really enjoyed that bonding time with my babies and I think, that for me, it will be another great bonding time at a time when we may really need it. I think that I will be quite upset if it doesn't work out, but at the same time, I am realistic. My doctor pretty much said that it is rarely successful BUT I have done it twice before so hopefully my body can do what it's done before!

So ya, no news. Just waiting and praying...what else can you do?

Thoughts On Having A Baby

First of all, Kai does not colour. In Sunday school, where they `make them', Kai will do a quick scribble and then have his snack. I thought he actually didn't know how. Well, I was wrong. He has been very interested in Transformers lately. He watches with Gary from 7-7:30pm every night. Anyway, printed some off and he coloured. For one whole hour. Wow!! So awesome. I can't believe that construction vehicles, dinosaurs and Transfomers are such a big part of my life. Never imagined it, but I love it.

Okay, on to having a baby. My sister Jantina and her husband went on a holiday. My dad and Joanne had Sami (7.5 month old) and then I had her for about 24 hours. I really love spending time with her, the boys (and Gary) love her, AND I wanted to see what it was like to have a little one in the house.

She didn't want to be put down on the ground to play. We don't have our exersaucer right now so I carried her a lot. The boys, especially Koen, were so interested in her and entertained her. I have to say that because I was carrying her, dinner did not go so well (Gary was gone). I did manage to get some work done when they were all in bed at night, but it was impossible to do during the day due to napping differences.

It reminded me that when you go from one kid, to two, you have less time for yourself. Then, going from two to three kids, you have even less. I was also reminded how time consuming it is just feeding and changing and holding a little one. My boys are so incredibly easy right now and it will be quite the adjustment to go to the sleep deprived state AND running around more each day.

When I was outside with Sami, several neighbours asked if it was our new daughter:) When we first started the adoption process, we were going with the mindset that we would like a baby that was closer to the age of one. However, in most cases, the child is a newborn so that is just where are heads are at right now. I kept imagining if Sami was my daughter, how it would be to have her in our lives, almost 8 months old. It would be good.

Sami gets along well with the boys because she has the perfect pteranodon call:) Koen tried to copy everything she did (jump in the sink to have a bath, try to eat her yogurt, test out a soother...). I did have one hour by myself, with just Sami. I took her on a nice long walk and she almost fell asleep in the Ergo. That was nice. When I was with the boys, I was feeling bad that I couldn't give them 100% of my attention as my hands were full. That will be tough, but they are quite understanding.

She slept in our room and slept for 11 hours straight. I could hear her soother fall out, then she'd search for it and I could hear her put it back in. She did this every two hours or so. My kids never used them so it's a whole new thing to me. She was up for the day at 5:30am. I'm tired now. I think I will remember to appreciate my full nights sleep now!!

So ya, not too many thoughts except:

1. I totally look forward to having three kids.

2. It will definitely take some adjusting to think about meal times. Right now, I just think about it at 4pm and put something together. Not so easy when you have a newborn strapped to you and you're super exhausted and your kids are whiny because you haven't given them enough attention.

3. Totally trusting God on the timing of this. I know we could do it, and do it well, now. But, it's likely not the perfect time and it will happen at the right time..whenever that is. I keep wondering where I will be when we get `the call'. Will Gary get it? Will I? Will there be a message on the machine?

4. I'm a bit nervous about the first 6 months. The sleep exhaustion mostly. When I'm tired, everything that Gary does it super annoying. Maybe we'll get a super sleeper?! I think I will be asking family and friends for help, especially the first month or so. Just helping with the big boys, meals etc. I want our transition to go as well as possible.

Looking forward to it but doing well where we are right now!

Love, Louise

Skipping Church...

and going to the beach. Both kids are still sniffling away so we decided to have a family day on Sunday morning. We went to Crescent beach because it was a beautiful sunny day. The sun was deceiving, it was FREEZING! The boys still had fun.

Kai dug for treasure and found some money (later I found out Gary was the one providing the treasure).

We threw rocks.

Gary took 100 pictures of my butt...I cropped this one so you can just see Koen and I holding hands:)

Koen got to hold a crab.

The boys fell in love with balancing on logs.

We held hands.

We enjoyed the sunshine.

It was good.

Crescent beach was a special place for my parents so I always think of my mom when I'm there.

It was a great weekend. Gary and I had an engagement session at Granville Island and then went to the Keg for lunch afterwards with a gift card (thanks Jen P!!). On Sunday, I had a great family session after our time at Crescent Beach. I think the weather totally contributed to such an enjoyable weekend.

Work wise I am having to say `no' to everyone for the rest of the year. It's hard, especially for people that I know really well. I would love to but I just can't. I feel so much guilt when I say no, but I'm learning. My calendar is good right now, the perfect amount. I'm really trying to learn how to set boundaries for myself so that I don't get stressed out, so that I have ample time/energy for my kids and husband, and so that I don't sit at the computer all night. Next year, I have guidelines/rules (hmm...what's the word?) for photography. We're already completely booked for weddings (we're stopping at 15 weddings in 2011 as opposed to the 22 this year..YIKES) and I'm only doing 2 family sessions per month. I have it in place because I have no idea when our baby will be coming. I think that when the baby does come, I might hire someone to watch my kids once per week so that I can work specifically on that day. We'll see...one day at a time:) So interesting having your own business! I'm loving it and learning so much.

Hope you all had a great weekend! My kids didn't do the time change so well. I've never seen Koen so upset over nothing. Rolling on the ground screaming. Totally not his style.

Have a great week.

Louise

Life

{They were flying around VERY quickly trying to keep Koen away from me so he didn't need to have a nap.}

Life is good. I feel like we are into a good routine. The boys are at a stage where they play well together; usually in the basement, outside (making a HUGE muddy mess), or playing with playdough in the kitchen. We go out at least once per day; the park, grocery shopping, Home depot, or to my sisters. etc. I'm not a big play date person. I'm such an introvert but mostly do it for my kids to socialize:) I need to get more exercise in there somehow, but the boys don't do well in the stroller together if I want to jog or get a good walk in. I guess Kai could bike. I miss our family walks...somehow going out in the dark rain after dinner isn't quite the same as it was in the summer time!

Gary and I put in the closet organizer in the basement closet last night. It was not hard at all...it was just sad drilling tons of big holes in our lovely clean wall. Well, I should say mostly clean wall. Koen found a pencil down there and went to town. The bathroom will be finished on Thursday. Awesome. Some random things still need to be done like door knobs and shelves but the basement is totally usable as is right now.

I was worried about having a billion chocolate bars in our house but Kai has done well with the `two treats per day' rule; he can have whatever two treats he wants whenever he wants. I have not done so well with this rule! Yikes! At least my meds were cut in half meaning I'm a little more hyper than hypo right now:)

I've started really wanting a daughter. I think it's by being around my adorable nieces and then always photographing the most beautiful little girls ever...I know, it's not all about the pigtails and the cutest clothes but seriously, wow. I'd be more than happy with either but ya, that is where my heart is now. It was when Kai was this age, that Koen is, that we got pregnant with Koen. I'm so wishing that I knew we were `pregnant' via adoption right now. It's getting harder to trust that it will happen. I actually did discuss pregnancy with my endocrinologist. It is not in our plan at all but could be in the future if it looks like we won't be having a baby in 2011. If you haven't read my thyroid blog, I'm almost off of my PTU which means I'm almost normal (for now:). Trust. Trust. Trust. Patience. Patience. Patience.

Have a wonderful evening.

Love, Louise

Adoption and Grief

I am currently reading `20 Things Adoptive Parents Need To Succeed'. One thing that I've heard over and over (seminar and this book) is the importance of dealing with grief before bringing your child home. Now, I have no idea what kind of grief I will feel when we bring our baby home but here are some things I think I am currently grieving or might be grieving at that time:

1. My mom not meeting her grandchild. I've gone through it twice with my kids already and also with each niece that is born. It sucks but I'm kind of just used to it. I don't really know what my mom would've thought about the idea of us going through the adoption process but I know that she would have supported us 100%. Also, whenever I have a newborn in the home, I dream of having my mom helping me and supporting me, she would've been great.

2. A ridiculous disease prevented me from having another biological child. I mean, I could try, but it would be so hard on my family, fetus and myself. I have to say that although I do desire another biological child (I really do!!), I have no desire to be pregnant because I know my body would go crazy, my thyroid is not stable enough. I am thankful that I do not have the desire to be pregnant (yet incredibly thankful that I have experienced it twice), it makes it easier.

3. A change in our family. We work so well right now. It's easy. My boys get along well and they both have a healthy attachment to us. When any new child is introduced into a home, there are changes and the kids roles get shifted around a bit. I don't know why I'm trusting so much that it will all be `fine'. I mean, even with biological children, you never know what kind of temperament and personality you will get. Even when Koen was born, I grieved in a sense, what Kai and I had.

4. Because I do not know the race/gender/age of our baby it's hard to know how that will come into play. Maybe if the child has a different ethnicity, I could feel that our family would now `stick out' a bit and would grieve just blending in? I have no idea.

5. I believe that the largest grief I will feel will be for our child. When he/she is older and starts to wonder more and more about their birth parents and the whole reason why they have two sets of parents. I'm really hoping that being open and honest from the beginning will make it much easier. I'm really praying that the birth parents that pick us decide to have an open adoption. It's not that I want that for myself, but I want that for our child so that as many questions as possible are answered. Along with that, I would grieve for the birth family and all the feelings of loss that they would have to go through for the rest of their lives.

In adoption news, there is no news. Just waiting. No one has looked at our portfolio since being active. Just waiting and wishing I could know a date, that's the hardest part for me. September 2011? May 2012? Two weeks? It seems like everyone is announcing spring pregnancies, I wish I could announce a due date too.

Trendy

This weeks random jabbering on our adoption journey.

Here is a conversation I had with someone this week:

Person: You have such a glow! Are you pregnant?

Me: No, but we are expecting through adoption.

Person: Oh, that's great!

Me: Ya, we're really excited.

Person: Well, aren't you trendy! (75% joking, 25% serious)

Me: That's why were doing it! (100% joking).

I'm not trendy one bit. Look at my hair, my clothes, my car. Ya. I do not do things to be cool. We are obviously not doing it to be cool. I'm so thankful for the people that we have in our lives who have brought children into their homes through adoption. We do not have adoption in our families, anywhere. However, we do have friends that have like Melissa and Brent, and now, Jen and Andrey!! I'm so thankful that their journeys have helped bring us to where we are today...they have made something so unfamiliar to us, familiar.

And this is my guilty confession: I have not read one book on adoption. This is 100% the opposite of normal Louise. I have attended the conferences and spoken to a lot of adoptive parents but I have not read one book. I have asked for recommendations of good books but I haven't actually read any. I did go to Chapters and to the library and found out that there are maybe 2 books somewhat related, that I would never read.

I read a ton about parenting, babies, and kids, before we had kids and when Kai was a newborn. I found the books stressed me out and made it worse. Too many different opinions, I didn't know who to listen to! I will seek the advice of those that have gone through it before. I will seek the support of others around me. Maybe if something specific comes up, I will look for a book on that topic.

Our first month of actual waiting went well. We are so insanely busy that I don't have a lot of time to focus on it. Although I'll be honest, one of the major reasons why I want to push through this basement reno so quickly is just in case, by some teensy tiny chance, we get matched in the next couple of months, I want the basement done. There is no way I could finish the reno while bringing a newborn into our home! I want that time to just be us. Our family.

Okay, Koen is awake and we need to get Kai from preschool. Have a fabulous weekend!!! Gary and I are going to spend any free time insulating the basement! Woohoo?!

Louise

Back To School

I am loving the back to school routine. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having Gary home for 2 months with a ton of family activity but there is just something nice about routine. I am so thankful that Gary brings home the bacon for our family. Ten years at one job could get kind of boring but he does what he can to spice it up (like teaching his favourite course; LEAD).

Kai's `Just take the picture so we can go to preschool' smile:) He was so happy to be back there again. We found out that one of his best friends is moving away in a month and he was very upset.

I had to pretty much shave his head yesterday to try to fix the haircut he gave himself.

Koen wanted to be in a picture too.

His cheese face is hilarious. And...just to see the fun they had minutes before leaving for preschool, a diaper (and dirty laundry) party. Apparently it makes the room more comfortable?

Koen has been a full time job these days. He got into the paints in our basement and made a lovely mess. Plum paint, all over. Today he got back into it. Great. I don't remember Kai being this monkeyish but I guess he was, it's just a stage. Right?!

In other news, which is way more exciting, our very good friends who have been in the adoption process for over 2.5 years have been matched!!! I'll wait until they blog about it but ya, so very cool. They are now the parents of a beautiful two year old girl!! Gary and I were giddy when we got the call from them. So exciting.

Bon nuit.

ACTIVE!!!!

Today we signed off on our home study, paid our active fee and dropped off our adoption portfolio. After 8 months of a lot of work and emotional ups and downs, we are officially active!!!!! I was super nervous about it last week as the day approached but as soon as we got the home study in our mail today, we signed it and drove straight to Abbotsford:) I think they were a little surprised to see us so quickly. Now, the waiting really begins. Excited.

**Added: I feel like how I felt when I said `Yes' to Gary's proposal. It was what I wanted, I was excited, and I was nervous about the `hugeness' of the life altering decision.**

Documenting Excitement

Yesterday we watched the boys `One Year Video' which is a compilation of their first year. It makes me cry every time. This time watching, I thought of our baby who is yet to join our family. It is so hard to document `pregnancy' during an adoption so we will celebrate each and every step that we can. It's also hard because we don't know if we are actually `pregnant' (aka anywhere near adopting a baby) and if it's ever going to happen:( I do a first year baby book for each kid and start when I'm pregnant so this time it's a bit tricky. I have bought a scrapbook and our certificate for completing our 3 day seminar is the only thing in it. Hopefully one day, if we are so fortunate to bring a baby into our home, we can use this booklet to put in our baby book!

This is our `Dear Birth Parent' letter/picture package. The guidelines are very loose which I don't do well with. Tell me exactly how many pages, pictures, format etc and I'm good to go! All I know is it has to be regular 8.5X11" paper and has to be hole punched to go in a binder. There should be a letter from Gary and I and ample pictures to share about our lives and reason for adopting etc. It shouldn't be too long. Or too short.

It took a lot of time. Not the layout, just choosing the right words and pictures to put throughout. They warn you not to sound too perfect. They want you to use natural `action' type pictures. Oh my goodness. I don't want it to look too perfectionist-ish but I want them to know that we put time into it because we are so wanting a baby. It was so hard taking details out of my life because what if that one thing was the thing that would've been the connection? I can't look at it any more because you could spend forever trying to make it just right. This will have to do. (*NOTE: I reread the printed copy and there are at least 7 mistakes...where two words were combined together. Grrrr...oh well). There is my letter and Gary's, with words and pictures. Then, there is one page per person (Kai and Koen too) of a digital scrapbook picture page showing our interests etc. I hope that when they (adoption agency) see it they don't say that we did it wrong!!! As a side note, I have realized that my hair is in a pony tail in almost every single picture from the past 4 years.

And, because he's cute. Sunday's solitary outdoor activity; Blackberry picking (and eating).

If You Don't Let Me...

Kai is funny to me. If I don't let him do something, this is what he might say:

1. Mommy, you're boring. (He's not allowed to say this anymore).

2. If you don't let me ______, then I'm going to take all of my clothes off. (and then he does).

Health update: Kai is able to eat less and less. Koen is getting better and better (so scabby..yuck). Gary is feeling a bit better but still has a long ways to go. I'm good!!

Adoption update: We are really slow getting our adoption portfolio together (okay, in the grand scheme, we're moving through uber fast) but we should have our booklet made this week. My letter had to be cut in half as it was jut too long. In half. Yes. I just got to read/edit Gary's letter. I wish I could share it. He did such a good job sharing his feelings. He even used one exclamation mark and I've never seen him use one. Good job, Gary!

House update: We decided that instead of moving we would finish our basement (one bedroom, one bathroom, and one giant playroom/studio) and make the rest of our house more organized and de-cluttered. We have finished the main floor (I should have taken before and after pictures!) and I've been working on our bedrooms. Today I tackled our closet. You know, the place where everything goes when you don't want to see it:) This has been a very expensive month for us with two major (unexpected) photography purchases (laptop and flash both broke) so suddenly spending money on getting more organized was a bit stressful but we're okay. So thankful for our photography income!!!

Okay, I better head to bed to keep my immune system up and running smoothly!!! Have an excellent weekend.

Mass of Emotions

We had our last social worker visit this morning. Wow. All that's left to do is look over, edit and sign off on what she wrote up about us, hand in our `Dear Birth Parent' letters and our picture portfolio (not done the picture portfolio yet as I was awaiting specifications), and pay our active fee (I hate talking about money and adoption in the same post).

A few days ago, it hit me. A minor freak out. I want a baby so badly. I'm surrounded by babies and pregnant bellies. My baby is a full out little boy now. I am scared that it will take so long. Like, pretty freaked out. I won't say the exact stats but they pretty much have more adoptive parents waiting than ever and very, very few possible birth moms. Our social worker kept asking, `Are you sure you want to do local?' because there are other options which could be faster.

The reason I feel like a bit stressed about the time it might take (and I hope this doesn't sound ridiculous) is that I love having our kids within about 2-3 years of each other. I don't want to feel `in limbo' for years and years. We have a closet full of baby stuff ready to go!

Maybe I just need to babysit a really colicky baby and have a sleepless night and THEN I won't feel so impatient. I even asked Gary about revisiting the idea of trying to having a biological child.

This is how I talk in my head: `God, I trust you. I trust your timing. But um, I would really like to bring our baby home sometime before 2012. So, can that be your timing? Now that I've asked that, are you going to make me wait 3 years to teach me patience? Sorry for thinking that! Oh I just want our baby to come home. I'm so ready. Okay, I'll trust you. But ya, by the end of next year please?!'.

I do feel some guilt about taking a spot on the active list amongst adoptive parents who don't have any kids and have been waiting so long already (there is no `wait list', it's the birth parent that chooses you).

So ya, a lot we (mostly me!!) have been thinking about. If we get everything done, we will be active next week. Wowsers. I guess we need to start thinking baby names, just in case? Although, maybe the birth parents will have named him or her already. Maybe it will be a 5 month old? We are open to any race/ethnic background so we would like to choose a name based on the ethnicity which we will have to wait and see. I keep picturing a Japanese baby so we call him (yes, we refer to the baby as a him) Hikaru:)

So that's where I'm at. Hopefully this is normal. Gary and I are going to set a timeline in place of what we will do if nothing has happened in one year and then again in two years. It could involve going through the US, going through the ministry, trying for a biological child, or, staying as is! I can't wait to see where we are at in one or two years from now.

Love you baby. Wherever you are. I cannot wait to meet you and hold you forever and ever.

My Dream

Last night I had my first adoption dream. In it, I was taking our one week old son (it was a boy!) to the doctor. He asked me what his name was and I didn't know. I had known it when he was born but forgot it! Then, he asked me whether he had a stronger grip with his left or right hand and I didn't know that either. I told the doctor that I held him all the time but didn't hold his hands and I felt so guilty! Then, I threw up (in my dream still).

Maybe Gary and I should start talking names in case we get to name our child?! The other day I mentioned a boy name and Gary said `Yes' immediately. With the other boys, it took MONTHS. I'm not sold on it but still, it's an option!

Have a great day.

Love, Louise

Weaknesses; A Clarification

Last week I wrote a post on my weaknesses which came out when I met with our social worker (in our 3rd of 6 visits!! Woohoo!). I just wanted to clarify a few things, especially since Melissa wrote a great comment in response to the post.

1. Family and friends were asked to list strengths and weaknesses so it wasn't like they just said a bunch of weak things about us. They were told to:) I've filled out one of those forms before too, so I knew what they were like. I should have clarified, I can't assume that people know! Now, my social worker did focus on my weaknesses, which we discussed, which was why they were fresh in my mind.

2. I shared because I thought it was cool. How often to you get to hear how you could grow and change from those you trust? Hearing it that way was much easier than face to face or from Gary in a heated discussion! I told Gary `Oh my, I just meant to vent and process and people are getting defensive for me!'. Totally not intended! Interesting to see what I need to think about.

3. I maybe shouldn't have shared my defensive thoughts but I do get quite defensive. Like a said in the post, what some see as a weakness, others see as a strength so I was just flipping it. Also, I completely agree that I am a little bossy but at the same time, someone said I take initiative. By the way, Gary totally thinks I'm pessimistic because he says that realistic is not on the continuum. Yes, I do think that a punk walking by me might steal my purse. I blame it on my dad and the profession he had working with those punks:) My dad even had a fake video camera put up in our front yard to deter potential break ins.

4. Again, I totally respect and understand the process. I also find it very interesting.

On a side note, wow, almost done my `Dear Birth Parent' letter. It's about 13 pages of writing and pictures (I'd say half pictures). It was so hard to do and I'm still not completely done. I want to make sure that we include pictures of our home and yard as was recommended to us by someone else who got feedback on theirs. Then, Gary just needs to write his (and make a DVD...no one has done that before but it was encouraged and I think we are making `A Day In The Life' kind of thing) and then just 3 more visits! I think that's it.

Have a wonderful day. By the way, just need to say that we had our first family jog (meaning Gary pushing the kids in the stroller) in a year. Awesome.

Enjoying the AC,

Louise

PS Please note that there is another post below!

PPS And please note that the family picture below, which I loved, was accidentally shot at ISO 1000 so it is way too noisy to enlarge. So sad. Have to do another one...

18 Months Old

Kokies is just over 1.5 years old. He is such an adorable little boy. He makes us smile all the time. He has just started calling us mommy and daddy (instead of mama and dada) and it is so cute!!

He sleeps through the night nicely now and usually actually sleeps until 9am. We have been putting a cloth diaper cover over his disposable diaper so that he doesn't get the whole bed super wet because he sleeps for so long! In about a year, hopefully, Kai and Koen will be sharing a room. Should be interesting!!

Kai and Koen are getting along better and better each month and it's just such a joy to see Kai being such a good big brother. Koen can walk up and down stairs, as long as there is a railing. Neighbours freak out when they see him standing on the picnic table, but he's fine, he's just a climber:) We are so thankful for our Ko-enie Koen (that's what Kai calls him). He is just non stop cuteness from morning to night. He has had a few time outs so far, for playing with the tv and the toilet water (yuck!). He has responded well to that. He loves all food (except for lettuce) and drinks so I can't pick a favourite!

I love this family picture that we took today, it's my favourite one so far! We took it (with the remote shutter release) at Redwood Park. I love our family. I'm so excited to add one more child to it and I know Kokies will be a great big brother. I'm trying to be super cool about not knowing the time line but if we were to try for a biological child, now would be the time that we would've started trying. My hope and prayer is that we will bring home our third child by the time Koen is 2.5 years old.

And a side note: Kai's invisible friend, Nobody, is a huge part of his life. He talks about him all the time and let's us know what he is doing. He eats with us, bikes with us, and goes on trips with us. Last night, Nobody wanted to pray for dinner. I spoke out loud what Nobody was saying `invisibly' (as Kai calls it). How long do these invisible friends last? I feel like we have a third child with us already!

And another side note: We have Gary home for the summer!! Very fun and helpful. It allows me to work more and we've been eating very good food:) Did I tell you that we went for a family bike ride? Koen was in the bike trailer but we all biked. It was awesome.

Have a wonderful week!

Love, Louise