A Season for Everything

I love reflecting (yes, Enneagram 1 in the house) on how things are going for our family. I've been working outside the home each day for three months now. Is working beneficial to our marriage? My ability to parent? My mental health? Overall, it has been a good thing making me feel more whole. This isn't to say that working outside the house is what completes me, it's part of it – just like being part of my hockey team!

Five Important Lessons I Have Learned in My 40 Years

Here I sit wanting to make an impactful "What I know about life at 40" kind of post but I'm hesitant. Why? I look at what I wrote ten years ago and shudder at what I thought was wisdom. I was so naive and life, parenting and marriage have kept me humble and have been great teachers over the past ten years. To spin this positively, I could say that at 40 I know that the next ten years should be filled with growth and more wisdom which is a gift as I then approach 50.

What are some of the major lessons I've learned in 40 years of life?

How Parenting a Child From Hard Places Looks Different

I hardly feel like I'm qualified to speak about this but as a foster parent who has cared for five different children from hard places I have some insight to pass along. I also have a minor in psychology if that increases my credibility in your eyes at all (insert winky face emoji).  How will this information on attachment help you? Well, knowing what some people go through allows you to understand the world a little better and develop more empathy. Also, who knows what your future will look like – maybe you will have a connection with someone who had a difficult childhood.

What might it look like to help support and nurture a child who has suffered neglect and trauma?

What We Need to Hear When Life Is Hard

When life gets tough we hope that our family and friends will be there for us. I know when I lost my mom I appreciated all the support through meals and kind words; it is often easier to know how to support a grieving friend than someone whose life has been made difficult through an intentional choice. Let me explain.

The Burger Realization: Decision Fatigue

“What would you like on your burger?” “Whatever you want me to have” was the reply to my lovely chef of a husband. By the end of each day, I cannot make another decision. I will eat whatever is on that burger and enjoy it because the energy I save from not thinking about it can go towards eating my food. I feel like a negotiator, counselor, teacher, coach, dentist, doctor, and taxi driver, which requires non-stop thinking and problem solving. From figuring out how much Clash of Clans is okay to play (and is he old enough to play?!), reminding my kids to wash their hands, contemplating the best method for dealing with meltdowns, trying to find a lost field trip form, teaching a child how to tie shoes, figuring out who is driving each kid where and when, and explaining why they should have more than a banana for dinner, I am done.

When Expectations Are Not Met

We have some rules in our family, you know, things like showing respect, eating together, and not screaming. Well, guess what? When you have a child that comes from a completely different upbringing through fostering, you can have a routine and you can model behaviours but when they are in a situation where they feel little control already, they are definitely going to exert their independence.  This is good – you want them to have the ability to make some choices but it's hard when you feel like you know what the right option is.

Our Little One has come so, so far and yet we can get so, so frustrated.  We have expectations for behaviour and when they aren't met, or they are purposely disobeyed, it's hard. We have to continually remind ourselves that in order to prevent getting angry, we cannot have the same expectations on our Little One. This child might need to eat apple slices on the couch for dinner while we all sit nicely around the table. This child might climb up on my chair and start typing on my computer AGAIN when my own kids would not dare. This child might require that I have a hand on their leg while they drift off to sleep every single night. This child might not listen to the word "stop!" and run away giggling even in serious situations. This child might require 100 repetitions to learn something whereas it might have taken my own child five. We still encourage our Little One to make wise decisions but need to be patient with the process.

Friends, this is hard and I don't feel equipped. The anger that comes from my unmet expectations – this is MY problem.  I need to continually remind myself of this, because otherwise, this lack of patience comes out on my own kids and husband, too. I'm disappointed in myself and I feel like I fail every single day...I know I'm a good mom but all the good parts seem to get lost in the frustration. When my kids look back over the day, will they remember the fun at the playground and cuddles on the couch or will they remember mom raising her voice yet again?

I think an adjustment of expectations has to happen so many times in our lives; from marriage to friendships to parenting – we need to love people for who they are not what they do.  This whole parenting thing is tough; all we can do is get up each day, try our best, and hope to learn to adjust along the way. Much love to you all going through this.

"Children are not a distraction from more important work.  They are the most important work."– C.S. Lewis

Love,
Louise