How Parenting a Child From Hard Places Looks Different

I hardly feel like I'm qualified to speak about this but as a foster parent who has cared for five different children from hard places I have some insight to pass along. I also have a minor in psychology if that increases my credibility in your eyes at all (insert winky face emoji).  How will this information on attachment help you? Well, knowing what some people go through allows you to understand the world a little better and develop more empathy. Also, who knows what your future will look like – maybe you will have a connection with someone who had a difficult childhood.

What might it look like to help support and nurture a child who has suffered neglect and trauma?

What We Need to Hear When Life Is Hard

When life gets tough we hope that our family and friends will be there for us. I know when I lost my mom I appreciated all the support through meals and kind words; it is often easier to know how to support a grieving friend than someone whose life has been made difficult through an intentional choice. Let me explain.

What I've Learned About Life as a Foster Parent

We have had five foster children in our home over the past three years and although we are still somewhat new in this journey, there is always a lot of learning that happens quickly! From a one month stay up to two years, each child has been here for different reasons in regards to their home lives and experiences. However, here are ten things I can tell you about what's it's like as a foster parent in almost every case.

"Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you."– Mother Teresa

What It's Like to Be a Foster Parent When You Get the Call

{As a foster parent I have gone through this on seven occasions and each time I get incredibly nervous with the necessity of quick decision-making. Not every home would go through these feelings, and maybe I'm a bit dramatic, but these are mine. I cannot share details on the ministry or the children in it's care, I can only share my own thoughts...and I have a few.} 

The red light on the answering machine was blinking. I knew what it was. I mean, it could have been my mother-in-law – the only one who regularly leaves us messages on our machine – but more likely it was The Call because it's Thursday. Thursdays are the day when the placement team in our city meets to match up children who need a home with families that have rooms available and are the best fit for the children. Most of our placements have happened on this day of the week.

How to Prepare to Be a Foster Parent

If you are considering becoming a foster parent or are already working on fulfilling the requirements, welcome! I know it's a big decision and that you may never feel fully prepared. Along with the steps to qualify to be a foster parent (application, home study, classes, medical check, criminal record check, safety check) I would have loved a list of ideas on how to prepare for the arrival of our Little Ones. Often we have very limited time to prepare and therefore it really helps to do as much as you can beforehand. Although this list may be dependent on the age of the child that will be entering your home, here are some practical tips to help you prepare your heart, mind, and home.

Why I Can Say Goodbye to My Foster Child

{As a foster parent I try to share the reality so that you may consider it as an option for yourself. Gary and I never thought we would be foster parents until about four years ago when someone planted the seed in our hearts and minds. The thoughts I have on fostering are my own and I cannot speak for all of the foster parents out there. I also cannot share the personal stories and facts about the children but hope that there is enough information to give you an idea of what fostering is all about and why I can say goodbye time after time.}

What is the number one comment that foster parents receive? "I wish I could foster but it would be too hard for me to say goodbye". I want to address this. I get it. I fully understand what you are saying and why. Who would invite a break-up into their lives? Who would want to go into a situation knowing ahead of time that their heart would be broken? I am an emotional woman. I cry happy and sad tears frequently. I lost my mom to cancer when I was just 26 so I understand loss and fear it. Is saying goodbye hard? Yes, but it doesn't stop me from getting attached and it can be filled with hope and happiness.

The End of Summer and Pondering What is Ahead

We had a beautiful day at the beach today and it was just what we needed. This summer we returned to being a family of five, had two big road trips, adjusted to being home again and then finished with renovations. It feels so good to be back to normal, well, until we start transitioning back to school tomorrow. I feel like Gary and I are in a mid-life crisis of sorts completely connected to fostering; it's this huge inner struggle between doing what we know can to make a difference in the lives of others and at the same time recognizing that we need to weigh the effect of that on our mental/emotional/physical health and well-being. 

Resetting

Have you ever had a stage of fight or flight? I feel like I've been running on adrenaline, coffee and prayer for three months and now I can exhale and breathe. Along with the regular hustle and bustle of two boys in a busy ball hockey season (five nights a week between them), we added two extra kids to our crew as an emergency placement. As of this weekend, these two kids in care now have a long-term loving home (which was a daily prayer for us–so thankful) and we can get back to resting and recovering and preparing for summer.

What is my current plan for the next few weeks?

My Hearing is Fine but My Listening Ears Are Tired

After a year of struggling to hear what my husband and kids were saying, I booked a hearing test–I realized this was necessary after I accused everyone of mumbling; could it actually be me with the problem? Upon finishing the hearing test, the clinician told me that my hearing was in the normal range and then our discussion turned into a counselling session of sorts.

When All I Have is Not Enough {Foster Parenting}

{Each foster child placement is so unique and depends on a variety of factors such as their needs and history, your own family make-up, the social workers, the "plan" etc. Our last placement was tricky at first (in regards to sleep and anxiety) but then ended up being amazing and we are forever thankful for our Little One in our lives. This one is stretching us a little too uncomfortably. I share this to be real about the struggles and needs in being a foster parent.}

Brave is saying "yes" to taking in two kids when you have three already. Courage is saying "I need help." Wise is saying "I can't do this anymore, we need another plan. Now."

We are currently in a tricky spot as the needs in our home outweigh what we can manage and maintain. I feel like people may be thinking "Well, why did you say yes? Why would you foster if you can't do it? Maybe you're not meant for this?" – let me address it if you've ever thought that way about me or someone else.

Mixed Feelings on Mother's Day

When I was a kid, Mother's Day was exciting because we would make a card, hide it under our pillow, and deliver it to my mom with breakfast in bed – toast with jam, every year! One year I remember making a muffin at school and hiding it with great anticipation that she would just love it. It was simple, happy, and just easy.

Dear Foster Parent in Your First Week

Dear foster parent in your first week,

Exhale. You did it! You probably have very limited time to read this so I will keep it brief.  Over the past two years we have welcomed three young children into our home and each child was unique in their response and needs. I want to share some ideas on what to do but first I want to encourage you.

Five Netflix Shows to Watch About Fostering

Being a foster parent, it's difficult to share about our journey. First off, we're not allowed to share details as it involves children in care. Secondly, we want others to consider becoming a foster family but want it to be clear that it's difficult yet so worth it. One of the ways I like to connect to pieces of our life is by watching documentaries, movies or series that can relate to what we are going through.

What are Netflix movies or series that relate to fostering?

1. The Fosters. I watched the entire series and thought it gave a great peek into fostering.  This show is also why I now call my kids "Love".

This Is the Room: A Peek Into Foster Care

This is the room where Gary painted the walls light green when I was four months pregnant with our first child.

How Biological Kids are Affected by Foster Siblings

One of our greatest concerns when we decided to go ahead with becoming a foster family was how it would affect our biological kids. Would our kids get hurt? Would they learn bad behaviours? Would they be upset at having to share us with another child? Would they be able to handle saying "goodbye"? We have been so pleasantly surprised with just how well they have adapted. Our kids are not perfect and I know they could just as easily teach someone else naughty words or behaviour. What has really impressed me is how each of them has been able to connect with our Little One in their own way.  Kai is able to offer comfort, Koen's goofiness provides laughter, and Nya's gentle nature means she is a perfect playmate. 

I put together a little video so you can hear it from the kids themselves.  They aren't super "Rah rah rah!" about it but that could be because I made them sit still and answer questions. It's just a normal part of their life to have an extra sibling around and so they don't often think about the pros and cons of it.

Love our family and thankful the kids are on board with what we've decided to do. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if we will foster again. I do know that for now we have room in our hearts and home for this Little One.

Love,

Louise

The Gift of Love: Foster Parenting at Christmas

Last night we placed the ornaments on our tree. As the kids oohed and aahed over their special pieces, we found the little owl. On the back is our Little One's name with the year 2015. A second Christmas with us. We never expected such a long stay as the tentative return date was a year ago. Among the many lessons that come from being a foster parent, I have realized that plans rarely go as expected. I am learning to be okay with this and my Type A self tries to "Let It Go". A little. It's difficult to prepare your kids' hearts (and your own) for what's to come if you don't know what is actually coming and when. For now, we are all excited to place extra presents under the tree for our Little One to open on Christmas morning. Our kids have all asked to go to the store to spend their own money on gifts for their littlest sibling – true love, friends.

Foster Family Month

October is Foster Family Month here in B.C. and we are just one of the 2,500 foster homes in this province.  What does a foster family look like? Probably just like yours. Well, sort of.  There is likely a higher noise level, more appointments, bigger emotions and a few more kids.  But, there is also an abundance of love, laughter and empathy.

We're All Doing the Best We Can

{I am a foster mom but this can relate to every parent in regards to how we judge others and sometimes ourselves.}

"How could she choose drugs over her children?" " How could she not feed her child?" "She doesn't deserve to see her children again after what happened." We can be a judgey bunch in general, but oh do we let loose when it comes to stories of neglect and trauma. Now don't get me wrong, these incidents are terrible and heart-breaking and their children should be removed in most cases. Immediately. Every child deserves love, encouragement and support along with the basic rights of safety, food, clothing, and medical care. But do the parents actions warrant our words of judgement?

 Where were we when they needed help? Do we know or consider their story?

What Every Child Needs

"Mommy?"
"Yes, Love, what do you need?
"Three hugs."

Five Reasons YOU Could Be A Foster Parent

If you had told me five years ago that we would be foster parents, I would say there was no way that was going to happen. Why would we? I don't have the skills. What about my own kids?  Too many unknowns. However, here we are, loving our Little One. You might be like me saying "Uh, no thanks. Great you can do it but it's not for our family." I get it. There are times in life where it truly would be too much, however, there are other times when we need that nudge. Consider this your nudge.

Here are five reasons YOU could be a foster parent: