What I Learned from My Mother by Watching Home Videos

As I move further along in this parenting journey (I almost have a teenager, folks) the more I wonder how my parents did it with five daughters in eight years. I recently spent several hours watching old home videos of my childhood and found it interesting to see my memories from a different lens – that of a parent now myself. There was one major realization that occurred:

My parents were so relaxed. 

Mixed Feelings on Mother's Day

When I was a kid, Mother's Day was exciting because we would make a card, hide it under our pillow, and deliver it to my mom with breakfast in bed – toast with jam, every year! One year I remember making a muffin at school and hiding it with great anticipation that she would just love it. It was simple, happy, and just easy.

Bittersweet Moments

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” ― Anne Lamott

After spending a fun week with my extended family, there were some bittersweet thoughts.  Someone was missing and yet so many new wonderful people have been added to our lives through birth and marriage.  My sisters joke that I am always the one that will cry when we start talking about Mom, but I'm okay with it--it is sad that she is gone. I'm glad that I've made it through the hardest part and that I've learned how to "dance with the limp."  I'm thankful for each day that I get to speak into my own kids' lives and hopefully there will be many more.

"The cycle of grief has its own timetable. Until that cycle is honored and completed we are moving along life's path with an anchor down." — Ann Linnea in Deep Water Passage

Love, 

Louise

Thoughts On Mother's Day 2015

What did we do for Mother's Day?  It wasn't exciting and that was totally fine, I didn't want exciting.  I just wanted to relax and to have the kids tell me why I'm awesome.  Yes, I seriously need those words of affirmation.  Just once a year I want to hear them say, `Thank you for driving me to hockey, washing my stinky clothes, tucking me in, reading with me, cooking meals, buying me princess tattoos, taking me to parks, giving me hugs and tickles etc..', you know, just recognizing what I do for them and how much I love them.  I hope that doesn't sound selfish, I'm just a words of affirmation kind of girl, and I feel that the boys are old enough now to actually think about it. It didn't happen.  I got a `thanks for giving birth to me' from Kai and that was after asking him why he loves me.  I asked him for a compliment.  Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease tell me that my daughter will tell me that I'm fantastic.  I know she already thinks I'm beautiful...when I wear pink or purple.

We went to church and then took a picnic lunch to the park.  Koen is giving the peace sign and thumbs up (above) in case you were wondering.

The kids had a stick fight, of course.

I spent the day focusing on being a mom to these three little monkeys.  This was probably my best Mother's Day yet in regards to missing my mom.  I think because the anniversary of her passing was just a few days ago, I grieved it then, and for Mother's Day I just wanted to focus on my role in our family.

On Saturday we did Nya's 3rd birthday photos and I had decided to get in some of the pictures with her. I'm glad I did.  I wish I had more pictures of me with my mom, especially as an adult.  I am often critical of how I look in photos but I don't want that to hold me back.  My kids aren't going to say `Oh, mom's hair was a mess and check out her double chin!'.  

Having a daughter has helped heal me.  I feel sort of guilty saying that.  I love all my children the same but there is just something in that mother daughter relationship that has helped to fill an empty place in my heart.  Maybe it's just the timing of her arrival and that my heart had time to heal.  I'm not sure.  All I know is that I am thankful for each unique relationship I have with my kids.

Kai is serious, helpful and crazy about stats.  He loves to have adult conversations with me and the latest question was `What's it like to be married?'.  Koen loves cuddles, imaginative play, and being goofy.  It doesn't take much to make him laugh and he loves to process his feelings with me.  Nya is sweet and loves to play with others. She often hold my hands and ensures that our fingers are intertwined.  They are an amazing bunch and I look forward to seeing what God has in store for them.  I may have told Kai that his wife has to come from B.C.  Kind of kidding but....

Love, 

Louise 

Mother's Day 2014

Mother's Day is always a bit of a bittersweet day for me.  I've always felt that I never knew my mom when I was a mom so I could never truly thank her for all she had done for us.  Then, on Saturday, my dad gave me this card I had made for my mom when I was in grade 9.  I actually cried when I read it because it was such a relief to know that even though I was not the easiest teenager, I had let my mom know how much I appreciated her. Phew.

The kids gave me cute cards.   One of my favourite lines from another one of Kai's cards was `Your eyes are brown like stumps'.  First of all, my eyes are blue.  Secondly, I guess it's hard to come up with a simile for the colour brown?

Kai showed his appreciation by making me breakfast with Gary.  

Nya helped by mixing and adding salt.

Group hug/wrestle in Nya's room.  I got to sleep in until 8am.  I was soooo tired all weekend from the long week we had.

Snuggles with Nya on the couch.

Koen showed his appreciation by cleaning all four toilets while Gary cleaned the bathrooms.  

I spent some time reading alone in my bedroom and then in the afternoon, we did Nya's 2 year old pictures.  She was so cute.  The boys just ran around like crazy kids the whole time.

One of my favourites below.

Then, the kids chose where we would go for dinner.  Their choice? McDonalds.  We will definitely need to help them in the `What do you think MOMMY would like for dinner?' area next year.  Let me tell you, we were the only ones in the play area (and maybe only 5 people there besides us?!).  I picked up sushi on the  way home.

I hope you had a good Mother's Day yesterday.  I know  it can be a difficult time for some.  I personally am enjoying it more and more.  I love my children and am so thankful for them.  

Love, Louise

8 Years

Eight years ago, my mom passed away from breast cancer at the age of 53.  May 7th.  The day after my dad's birthday.  If you've ever seen someone get very sick from cancer, and watch them slowly die, it is terrible.  I remember asking my dad to tell her that it was okay to go.  I couldn't watch her like that anymore.  It was so, so painful.  You remember them that way for a long time.  I am thankful that I am far enough away from it now that what she went through at the very end is not always my first thought of her.   Reading the letter that she wrote us, she was `glad' that she was able to die slowly (over 1.5 years) to get to spend that special time with us.

{Still loving my tea time!}

I'm glad that over time I feel more at peace with it.  I'm glad that my joy has returned.  I'm thankful for all that I do have here on earth.  I'm thankful for the amazing mother that I had for 27 years of my life, who along with my dad, has given me a positive outlook on life.  I'm thankful that she was not afraid of dying.  I'm thankful that she fought hard and didn't complain `Why me?'.  I'm thankful that she was at peace knowing that we would be great mothers ourselves one day.  I wish she had known that dad would be okay.  She was worried about him.

{Checking out the deals and couponing!  I'm in grade 6 here.}

It still hurts though.  There are several times when it hurts the most.  One is when something joyful is happening.  A celebration.  I know she'd want to be there.  I want her there.  Family was her #1 priority and we knew it.

{Mom speaking at our wedding `Both give 100%'}

The other time it hurts is when I see how other grandparents are involved in helping with the grandkids.  I know not everyone has this but everytime I hear it, I feel a little stab. It doesn't mean that I'm not happy for the other person, but it's a reminder that my mother cannot come and help me out when I need it.  I have Gary's parents who are usually able to help if need be, but, it's different for me.  Also my parents house was right across the street from ours....I am looking out the window now at the trees that were in their backyard.

Her death changed my life forever.  It made me recognize first hand that anyone can get sick and die at any time.  Each day is a gift.  I will be so thankful if I get to live to be 60 years old and see my grandkids.  Sometimes I say to God, `Please, let me see my kids graduate high school', or `Please let me see them get married' or `Please let me know my grandkids'.  I know my genes are terrible.   I don't live my life in fear, I just know that it is likely that I will get cancer at some point.

It is so, so, soooo awesome growing up knowing that your parents are so proud of you and love you very much.  Sure, the cabbage patch kid was great, but the ever ready listening ear and the `Way to go, girl!' helped make me who I am. 

I miss you mom.  I wish you could be at Nya's 2nd birthday party, she's such a little monkey.  And she's so cute.  I think Kai is a mini me in personality and Koen is a mini Opa.  Gary is a great husband.  You would be so impressed with his cooking and he's also so great with the kids.  The amount of grandkids you have in 8 years is pretty wild.  Dad is doing so well with Joanne and fulfilling his dreams.   Thank you for all that you did for us.  I didn't realize how much it was until I had three little kids of my own.

Love, Louise

Loss & Remembering

I was talking to a friend today and the topic came up on the loss of a loved one.  One thing that I was reminded of was how much I appreciate hearing other people's stories about my mom.  I'm having a harder and harder time imagining what she would say in certain situations, although her gift was definitely listening and empathisizing.  I'm starting to really forget her voice and laugh.  I have memories of her from pictures and my mind but there are only so many. Also, I only know her as a child, teenager, and young adult.  I don't know her as a fellow adult/mom so I wonder what conversations we would've had and the things that would come up.  I would just encourage you, that if you have a friend who has a lost of a loved one, and you remember something about that person, no matter how small, that you share it.

I wish she had seen the woman I had grown into because I was still changing so much.  I would love to have her listening ear so that I could tell her about all the ridiculous and awesome things our kids do.  She wasn't an advice giver (unless asked) and I really appreciate that.  It was such a wonderful gift in my life, growing up, to have someone who listened and empathised.  It's what I truly needed (and still do!).  I hope my kids know that I am here for them with a listening ear and an open heart.

{Off to go snowshoeing!}

{Story time}

{We `finally' went to Disneyland when Trish was 5 :)}

{`There's a whale!'}

{I remember this...dad was fishing off of this rock and he made all us all paranoid to stay far away so we wouldn't get a hook in our eye}

 I feel very connected to my mom when I make `her' meals.  You know, the dinners, desserts and cookies that she always had on hand.  My hope is to make my kids a recipe book with our favourites, but so far I'm not doing so well with that :)  

Is there something that makes you feel connected to your childhood?

Hope you are having a good day!

Love, Louise

Seven Years

Love you. Miss you.  Wish you could know me now.  I'm a lot less selfish and I think we could have some really good talks about motherhood and life these days.    Gary actually really likes your hamburger bean pot pie recipe.  He's a great husband, mom.  We use your apple crisp bowls daily, although more for fishy crackers than apple crisp.  They tore down the La Masia restaurant,  you wouldn't believe how different this area looks now.  The `long block' is still the same though. I ran it and Kai biked alongside and it reminded me of our post dinner walks.   Our kids love riding bikes...remember that time I was showing you how fast I could bike down our driveway and forgot how to use the brakes and ran straight into the house?   Nya started sleeping though the night, I wonder when I started to.   Koen would love your cookies and I bet he would REALLY love your brownies.  Did you know that we are going as a family to SE Asia?  Wish you could come along.  I remember taking you out for Thai food, it was good, right?  We talk about you often.  Koen has prayed for you to become alive again.  Love you. Miss you. 

{I loved doing her hair.}

{With baby Ani...just missed Kai by 3 months}

{34 years later, I have my own baby girl}

{Tea time!  Lifelong tradition}

{Cuddles}

Pink

These next two weeks are not my favourite;  the anniversary of my mom's death is in one week (May 7th) and then Mother's Day is 5 days later.  Boo.  I'm so thankful to be a mom.  But ya.  I'm also on my 5th sinus infection in 6 months.  So frustrating mostly because I can't breathe and it's exhausting.  I'm pretty sure it's linked to my autoimmune disease as I've never had one in my life until this past October.  Googling it suggests so.   I just sent Gary to the store in hopes that he can find something magical besides a humidifier, sinus rinse, nasal spray and decongestant.  You know, like a magical vacuum that can suck everything out of your sinuses.  Does anyone know of any other treatment for it?  Could you do chiro? Massage? Acupuncture?

{Whenever I see these pink blossoms, I think of my mom.  The last time she went outside was for some pictures under the tree and it was always right outside of her window. Although these aren't cherry blossoms are they? }

{A cute little bald girl took her first step today!! Go Nya Go!}

No matter how crappy I feel, I have three very awesome kids and a wonderful husband.  Kai is so helpful, encouraging, sensitive and hardworking.  Koen is hilarious and eager.  Nya is energetic, adorable, and so easy going.  Let me give you two examples of Gary's wonderfulness.  He donates blood and he makes us healthy and delicious meals regularly.  Oh, he also is pretty great at making dessert and I love dessert!

Have a great week.   The weather forecast is looking awesome here for the Lower Mainland.

Love, Louise

My Mom's Words of Wisdom

My sisters and I miss our mom.  It has been 6.5 years since she passed away from breast cancer that eventually spread into her bones.   The other day we were sharing emails that mom had sent us and it was amazing how at any point in our lives, my mom could tell you exactly what the 5 of us were doing in quite great detail.  Our classes, grades, friends, jobs, heath, fitness etc and how we FELT about it all.  It's not because she peppered us with questions.  She just asked us how we were doing and listened.  And affirmed.  And was empathetic.  And truly cared about what we had to say, more than anyone else.  She didn't offer advice unless we asked for it.  It's so hard to have that missing.  Yes we care about each other as sisters, but not to the same degree.  I didn't call Trish after her first day back at work (sorry Nut!) but mom would've for sure!  I emailed and facebooked her, but it's not the same.

My mom would always say `You go, girl!' `Bless you, girl' `Love you girl'.  Her names for me were Louisa, Louisie, and `Girl' (I guess that was easy with 5 girls!).  My mom had 5 brothers and no sisters growing up so she was soooooo happy to have so many daughters.

I miss my cheerleader.  I miss my support. I miss my mom.  After she died, every time something happened in my life, I would think `I have to tell mom!' and then realized I couldn't.  This took almost a full year.

My mom wasn't perfect, but she was an amazing mom.  Like awesome.  I don't know how she had the patience for 5 hormonal girls and me in particular.  I was ridiculous from the ages of 12-15 and she stood by me and loved me unconditionally, even if she didn't totally understand.

So often I hear her words coming out of my mouth.  Here are some things my mom taught me growing up that I hope to impart on my kiddos:

{Mom and dad way back in the day}

1.  If you're bored, it's because you're boring.  So true.  Be creative, find something to do.  Get outside. GET FRESH AIR.  I love, love, loooooooooooooooooooove the outdoors.

{Mom pregnant with me!}

2.  If you want your kids to share things with you, spend time together daily.  We ate every dinner together and then in the evening (this is soooo dorky), we would sit around the table and have a cup of tea (and a cookie!) and share about our  day.  Mom said she didn't have to ask questions, we would just talk.

{Mom and Me!}

3. Smile. Better than any make up or jewelry.  She had a terrific smile.

4. Be wise with your money.  A house is a great investment.  Pay off your debts ASAP.  If you get any money, put it towards your mortgage/debts.  Work hard. Share money with those in need. My mom dropped me off at the mall when I was in grade 10, and said she would pick me up once I had  delivered all 50 resumes. No joke.  I got a job at Purdy's and loved it.

{Always camping!}

5.  Be thankful for what you do have.  I don't remember my mom ever saying that she wished something was different.  Oh ya, except she thought she had big thighs which is hilarious because after 5 kids, she was still under 125lbs!    She was so incredibly thankful to God for all her many blessings. She was very simple.  Never dyed her hair once.   Got her ears pierced in her 30's.   Even when she was really sick, she was still so thankful for everything.  She would've liked more time to `finish her work' with my littlest sister but she knew that Trish was in good hands (ours and Gods!).

{Maria and I go snowshoeing with mom!}

6.  Don't waste time fighting/arguing.  Life is too short.  My sisters and I get along incredibly well now (maria and I fought like  CRAZY as teenagers).  There's just no point in getting worked up about stuff that doesn't matter.  I always think when having a disagreement with Gary, what the heck would I do if this was the last conversation we ever had?!  It's fine to disagree and argue and have conflict, but work through it.  Quickly!

7.  Homemade food is the best.  I don't think my mom every bought store bought cookies and our fridge was always full of fresh baking.  There was a warm homemade dinner for us every single night.  I'm soooo thankful that I married a man that can cook! And, no offense to my momma, but he has introduced me to tons of new flavours:)

{Always made us cakes too!  Happy 1st birthday Trish!}

8.  Gargle with salt water.  Any time you have a sore throat, that's the first thing you should do.  Also make sure to drink plenty of water to `get your kidneys going'.

{More camping.  Always.}

9.  Read!  Mom would take us to the library every week and I would check out the maximum number of books (13 I believe).  Mom would always find time to read in the evening or on holidays, even with 5 kids and a part time job.   She didn't play with us often but she would always read with us when we were little.

{Mom reading with Jan.}

10.  Approach everything with a positive attitude.  I remember, like it was yesterday, being a teenager trying to sleep in.  In the next room was my mom singing at the top of her lungs while cleaning one of our many bathrooms and scrubbing that tub.  On that note, she really taught us to take care of our stuff and to keep our house clean (not sure dad got that memo, thankfully Joanne is in his life).  She would come into my room and open my blinds and greet me with a cheery `Let the sunshine in!'.

{Up at Green Lake, one year before she passed away.}

I'm so thankful that I had my mom in my life for 27 years.  She was such a great model for me of what a wife and mother should look like.  I miss her so much but I know she's okay and I'm okay too.  I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to pass on her love and words of wisdom.

What is something that you learned from your mom?

Love, Louise

Sickness and Sadness

Gary and I had a really rough week. Like, probably the worst one in our marriage.  A sick household is not fun and then throw in that EVERYONE was sick and for so long.  Gary and I are still fighting it 10 days later.  Gary has lost almost 15lbs!  Also add in that Gary had a basketball tournament and was gone almost every evening including Saturday too and it was not pretty.  When he was home, he was bed.  I was pretty much on my own and had very little energy.  Also, factor in that Nya was getting up every hour one night, every 2 hours the next etc.  Our house turned into a huge mess, I ate so many sugary crappy foods, I wanted to run away (with Nya).  I did get my friend Leah to go to the pub with me for a drink and that was a nice break:)   

There are so many good things going on right now which I will share some other time but right now, all I can feel is this huge weight of yucky-ness.   It is getting better though as the kids are healthy.  I can start cleaning more today.   I need to be able to run again and spend a bit more time making wiser food choices:)  

This weekend,I taught Kai how to tie his shoes.  He is lefty so I can't say that we've got it down yet.  See Koen laying on the couch in the background:(  Oh I should say something about Kai's report card. He's awesome:)  He's got a few things to work on, like the neatness of his writing and quality art work, but he is exceeding expectations in math, science, socials, listening, working independently and reading.  He is at a grade 2 math level. He was biking some laps at the park and his time was 2:14 for 4 laps and he just casually said, without a thought, `That's about 35 seconds lap'.  (more like 33.5 but still!!).  I love that he is in a 1/2 Combo class as he can do more challenging work and he loves it. 

Day 7  of Advent Activities:  I took them to drive through Williams Park to see the lights.  Mostly because when they were strapped into their car seats they couldn't wrestle each other and I had a few minutes peace...

Day 8 of Advent Activities: Set up the mini tree in their bedroom

Day 9 was Decorate our big tree and have a play date with their friends Bennett and Addie (so Gary and I could go out).  Gary and I went on a date FINALLY.  We didn't want to. To be honest I didn't  want to hang out with such a sick guy and Gary was tired.  But, we had the opportunity and the last date we went on was a half hour bike ride 5 months ago.  It was good. We went to the Onyx  in White Rock.  We had bought gift cards from Costco last year so it did cost us $80 but ya, a very good meal.  I didn't take any pictures but it included tempura bacon (sooooooooo good!!!!),  lobster mac and cheese (also soooooooo good!), bacon creamed corn, ribs and steak:)   We like our meat.

Today would've been my mom's 60th birthday.  I know we would've had such a good party if she was here!  My sisters and I got together and had some of our childhood favourites like boterkoek and spinach dip and haystacks and Heavenly bars....

I miss my mom so much.  There were so many times I wanted to talk to her this week. I had some really low moments and just wanted to hear her voice saying `Oh Girl, I know it's tough'.  I had some moments of extreme joy and wanted to share that with her.  I am thankful for my sisters.  We truly get along VERY well. My mom sort of `commanded' us to in a letter to us:)

I hope you had a better week then we did!
Love, Louise