What To Say When Someone Dies

This is not very well thought out but I do want to just put out a little post on this. As you may or may not know, my mom passed away 4 years ago, on May 7th. She had breast cancer that spread to her bones. No cure. Painful. Yet, time to process and mourn. She was 52 and I was 6 months pregnant with Kai. She said she would be there for his birth but missed it by 3 months. I did tell her what his name would be, just in case she didn't make it. I made her let me tell her that I was having a boy and I was so glad I did. My mom was amazing and I'm so thankful that I had her in my life. I'll be honest that it has gotten easier over time. I think it helps that I have my own kiddos to love with all my heart and also that I have 4 sisters who are able to support and encourage me when I need it. I guess I should point out that my dad and Joanne aren't bad either:)

When you have a friend that has lost someone, what do you do? I'll tell you what I appreciated and if anyone else has experience with loss, please add to it! I'm not doing this to tell people that they did it wrong, I just want to let you know what I learned from it. If you ever have a friend that loses someone they love, maybe this will come in handy....

1. Say something. Anything. You might be too scared to say the wrong thing or just too nervous that you'll make the person cry but just acknowledge it. `I'm so sorry, it must be so hard', `I can't even imagine how you must be feeling', `I'm praying for you' (my dad doesn't like this one, but I do), `Your________ was an amazing person' `I remember your ________ did____________'. You don't even have to say it verbally, you can email it. Then, if they talk...just listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.

2. Do practical things. Make a meal and drop it off (thank you to all those that did!!). Take the kids to the park. Clean a bathroom. Help scan pictures for the memorial. Mow the lawn. Give a box of Kleenexes with a note attached (Ali, you did that and I loved it). Give them flowers to brighten up their home. I know it's so easy to say, `Let me know if I can do anything!'. I would say that most people would not ask for help, or even know what to ask for. If you know that person would ask you for something specific, then say that. If they are like me (for the most part), I don't like asking for help but I sure like getting it (I'm learning). Cookies, those are easy! Oh ya, I also really appreciated that friends came to my mom's memorial as support for me. I can still see their faces smiling at me as I was up front speaking and I will never forget that.

3. Remember and Acknowledge. Once the memorial is over, things get tough. You kind of get through the day but then reality sets in. It's important to remember that if the person lost their father, then Father's Day will be tough. The first Christmas will be tough. The first thanksgiving will be tough. Their birthday will be tough. A wedding in the family will be tough. The birth of a baby will be tough. Celebrations are just tough. They do get better (for me anyway) but just saying (via words or email), `thinking of you today!', it helps. Also, if you ever have any pictures or stories of the loved one that has passed away, please share it! I REALLY want information about my mother mothering us as kids. Breastfeeding, sleeping, feeding etc. I know I was breastfed but have no idea how long. No idea when I slept through the night. No idea when I walked. That's really one of the reasons why I record every single thing with my kids:) If they start talking about their loved ones, listen. It is so therapeutic for me to talk about my mom and my memories of her...it keeps those memories alive.

4. Invite them out. This is a tricky one but I truly appreciated being `busy'. Going for walks and having conversation. Playing a sport. Just being active and conversing with others helps you to start being a little bit more normal. It would be easy to just sit at home and think and think and think. It's healthy to mourn and process but it's also healthy to get some fresh air, exercise and stay part of the real world.

5. Be sensitive. Whenever someone said the word `cancer', `mom', `death', or `grandma' I had a little dagger stab my heart..especially the first year. Imagine how I felt when I was in labour with Kai and just got off the phone with my sister and the doctor, who knew my mom had passed away, asked if I was talking to my mom and if she was coming. Time does make it better...I can see grandma's with their grandkids and the pain in my heart is present but very small. If someone lost their mom, please don't complain to them that your mom doesn't watch your kids enough. If you catch yourself saying something that might hurt the other person, acknowledge it. So awkward, but maybe say, `Wow, I'm sorry, that wasn't very sensitive'. I mean, obviously you have to use those words, but just be aware of the presence of pain with them.

Okay, it's time for bed but I did just want to get it out there. If you have any ideas of what to add, please do! I'm no expert and everyone is so different. Maybe you need to ask the person, `Would you like to talk about your ____? I would love to talk about _________ anytime you like. ___________ sounds like an amazing person'. And finally, if you have lost someone and I have sucked and not said anything, I'm sorry.

Love, Louise

Life and Snuggles

Okay, before I start I just need to tell you a quick cool story. So, I was warming up for football this week and noticed a girl on the other team who had amazing legs. You know, long, lean and very muscular. Maybe I'm weird for noticing these things but I appreciate fitness. Anyway, she was the rusher and so she was the one who kept coming at me (I was QB). She didn't sack me once (that I remember) and I even ran by her for a touchdown. She did manage to block one of my punts though. ANYWAY, found out afterwards that she is a 3 time Olympic athlete!! She runs the 1500m and even placed 4th in Atlanta. Cool that she's an olympian and cool that I ran in a touchdown past her:) I do have to say though that she is new to football so once she really gets it, then we'll be in trouble!

On Saturday I hosted my sister Jan's baby shower. Little Sami was a good little girl, she just loves being snuggled and there were lots of people to snuggle her!

Here are some of the treats I made...my sisters brought the rest (and maybe some healthier options!)

Snuggles with Sami.

Mommy and daughter

Jan's best friend, Robyn, joined us via Skype. She hadn't seen Sami yet (except for pictures) so here Jan is introducing them. It was 4am Robyn's time but she joined us for an hour:)

Sleeping on auntie Jackie

...with `auntie' Rachelle

Kai was busy for about an hour adding and taking away things from this creation; his rocket ship.

I made tortillas because I needed some and we didn't have any in the house. I don't think I will ever buy them again because these were so easy and sooooooooooooooooo good. I replaced the shortening with oil. Find the recipe here. We ate them filled with guacamole, chicken, cheese, beans, mole sauce...so yummy!!!

This picture was taken on my 30th birthday when I was 5 months pregnant with Koen. I keep thinking about where we are in regards to adopting baby #3. I don't feel `pregnant' yet...I feel like we are trying to get pregnant. You know that crazy feeling when you are trying for your first, `I'm so excited! I'm so nervous! I've always wanted this but it's kind of scary!'. You know, like that. Once we are done our home study in September, then I will feel `pregnant'. Now, whether it's a rabbit or an elephants gestational period, we'll have to see!

Yesterday we mailed off our application (which Kai is holding) and our reference list. In one week we have our medical checks. I feel patient and I feel excited and I feel nervous (like the arrival of any baby right?) and I'm glad that it's not happening right now as I really want to enjoy Koen being little. Besides, once baby is here, Kai and Koen will have to share a room and they are sooooooo not ready for it (I'm keeping Koen in a crib as long as I can!!).

This morning I took the boys to Redwood Park as I had never been there. We loved it! I will post pictures tomorrow:) It feels so good to be healthy enough to take them out on my own. They are such explorers and it was so fun. Have a great week. Our family is off to Green Lake this weekend, should be fun to have a weekend of just family time!!!

Organ Donor Awareness Week

This week is organ and tissue awareness week and you're supposed to wear green to support it. It just takes a minute to verify that you want to be an organ donor, you just need a BC care card and you can click here to sign up.

If you're not sure if you are signed up, just punch in your care card number anyway. I found out that I registered on July 15, 2005:) When did you register??

My uncle received a cornea transplant, good family friend got a kidney...just waiting and waiting for George to get his lungs.

Exploring Queen's Park

First off, thanks to all those that commented on the butt grabbing picture. If only I knew earlier that those kind of things would get me more comments. Sorry there's only appropriate pictures below...don't want to make James uncomfortable again.

We have a wedding at Queen's Park in a couple of weeks so we took the kids there yesterday to run around while we checked it out. The kids were loving it on the playground. I forgot the cable to use the wireless remote so we had to do a family photo with the timer...next time. Next time. Traffic around Queen's Park is ridiculous at 6pm.

The picture above of Kai is just so him. Same with the one of Koen below and his, `I want that' face. Both boys could just run around outside all day long.

**Tyler, my brother in law, has just put out a `caption contest' for the picture of Koen below where he's pointing and has a crazy face, let's see what you can come up with!**

I can't believe it's the weekend already! I have football tomorrow morning and I'm so excited about it. I am just so incredibly thankful that my health is in a place now where I can be almost normal. I'll have to miss the next 3 weeks of football due to a family road trip (hello Green Lake!!) and two weddings in a row.

I'm hosting a baby shower for baby Sami tomorrow night and I've been baking up a storm of mini cupcakes, cake pops and peanut butter chocolate squares. I love baking!! Talking about food, last night on the Food Network Challenge, the winner made Steak Tacos Mole and I cannot wait to make it. I love mole. I love guacamole.

I can't believe it's summery out there again and we're all in shorts. I can't wait for the summer!! Kai can't wait to go to the beach and start a shell collection like his cousin Ani has.

Okay, I better get back to the kitchen. Have an awesome weekend everyone!

Happy Boys

I've got three very happy boys here. Let's go through each one:

1. Gary. He recently received a very exciting package in the mail. He got his radio poppers and remote trigger. I really cannot tell you the scope of these things yet (as I haven't had a chance to even look at them) but basically we can have remote flashes and we can also control our studio lights with the attachment on our camera. The most important part to me is the remote shutter release. HELLO FAMILY PICTURES THAT DON'T HAVE TO BE ON A TIMER!!!!!

So this is Gary being excited and taking pictures while I'm busy making dinner...

And yes Gary, I did post the picture of you grabbing my butt. That's what you get for taking those pictures.

2. Kai has discovered baseball. We started using a tee but decided to just pitch it to him and he hit the first 3 in a row. Out of our yard! Yes, we have the smallest yard ever. Time to practice at the park. Check out his eye on the ball...

And...it's over the garage! Yes, he hits left. So we got to play again today. Can I tell you how much I detest being the pitcher? I'm absolutely petrified of the ball. Yes, it is a kids ball. Still afraid.

3. Okay, so not really new for Koen, but man, he loves his `hot-tee' (hockey). He just walks around all day holding his plastic golf club. He hits any ball he finds and says over and over, `Hot-tee! Hot-tee!' Even in the van, we make sure he is holding his hot-tee stick. Can I tell you that I find him so adorable?! Seriously, my heart smiles. He has yet to make me angry, upset or mad. I'm not looking forward to the day when he starts saying `no' to me!

Have a great evening!

Flashback

My sister in law sent me this picture today. Three things stand out at me:

1. Gary looks 10 years younger (it was 3.5 years ago)

2. I look as tired as I felt. That was the longest night of my life.

3. That was when we became a family and it was oh so special. We had no idea what we were getting into. Seriously. No idea. I liked the idea of being a mom but didn't truly realize it was 24/7 for the rest of your life. Gary shed a tear on that day. That was the second time I've ever seen Gary cry and I haven't seen it since. He says that was the most beautiful I've ever been...when we had our kids. His eyes must've been blurry from the tears:)

I'm just off to football practice (in shorts!! I wore shorts all day, it was so nice!!) so this will be super brief. Football was awesome this weekend. I would say that I was functioning at about 75%..woohoo! I even ran in a TD.

(Just a picture of Kokes, he's so cute)

Kai has changed a bit in the last week. Besides talking like a robot and no longer into recycling, he has a bit more of an attitude. He says things like `Mommy, that wasn't good behavior' or `Mommy, you need to use your nice words or I'm going to send you to time out' etc. So, basically he is using my words on him.

Today at the park, he gave Koen a huge headlock after me reminding him to be polite over and over, so, we just went home. After only being there 10 minutes. He. Freaked. Out. Yup, he was `that kid'. Screaming. High pitched. `I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME. THAT'S NOT GOOD BEHAVIOUR MOMMY. I'M GOING TO SEND YOU TO TIME OUT.' Laying on the ground. The whole `freak out' act. It didn't bother me too much but why is he acting so nuts?

We put him to bed half an hour earlier last night but that didn't make a difference. He gets tons of fresh air and interaction with others. He's probably just going through an emotional/mental growth spurt and trying to figure out how to process everything but man, he can be a little ridiculous. Ah yes, always learning with these kiddos!

Okay, better go. Have a wonderful evening.

Two boys and a girl

These past two days, Gary and I have had nothing on the calendar and it's been dreamy:) It's been nice to just catch up on adoption paperwork and Gary, his school work. It's not that there's bad stuff on the calendar, it's just life. Fun but busy! I've got my first football game this weekend so we'll see how it goes. I'm interested in seeing what my body can do. I have to say that I'm feeling that it is the best it's been since Sept 09 so we will see!

Oh Koen. He still looks like a baby because he's so bald:) Both boys have their daddy's green/ hazel eyes.

Koen likes blowing on all of his food. He is still eating the same as or more than Kai.

And here he is, mid whine, stopping to say `cheese'. It's so cute! I have no idea where he got it from because Kai never says `cheese' for photos. He would start whining so I would pretend to take a picture and he would stop and say `cheese!'.

Kai is heavily into activity books. Stickers, patterns, colouring, math, tracing etc. He got a `Cars' activity book from Gramma and we got him the Preschool book from Coscto. He does it for at least 2 hours per day. It's awesome! It does require a bit of parent participation but it's fun to play teacher:) Kai has recently started counting things in his head. I have no idea how he learned how to do it but he does it very well! He loves math. He loves addition and we started working on subtraction a little more today. Kai says he wants to be a house painter when he's older. Not surprised as we recently bought paint for the interior of our house AND Gary let him help out a bit when he painted last.

I got a chance to go out to Mission to hang out with my newest niece. While Jan was showering I may have snuck in a few photos:)

She is so adorable and is eating nicely. She is also starting to struggle with a little gas. My boys also struggled with it, I feel so bad for them and their poor tummy's.

I knit that little `cocoon' and actually have a matching knit headband with a flower on it but she would not have anything on her head. She did love the cocoon part, that's for sure! I have since made a cute pink one that I wouldn't mind trying out on her:)

(Isn't that a cute quilt that Joanne made?)

Aw, sleeping baby! I got to carry her in the snugglie for a little walk. She was so light! I could've walked with her for hours, just glancing down every minute or so to take in some of her cuteness.

Well, Kokies is crying. He only naps about an hour a day. Enjoy the rest of your sunny, blustery day!

Louise

Tent Advice Needed

The big plan for the summer is to go camping. We have booked three weeks off. We're not sure if we will end up going to Ontario (Nerdfest 2010?!) or up north (Alaska panhandle, here we come!!) but our family is going camping. For sure.

We would love something like this or this from MEC but wonder if a cheaper version from Costco or something would work just as well. It's hard because I'm assuming that we will use it for `car camping' for now but would we take a tent of that size on a backpacking trip when the boys are bigger or would they want to be in their own 2 or 3 man tent (we already have two great MEC tents..a 2 man and a 3 man)? Anyone have a tent that they would recommend? We just love our MEC 3 and 4 season tents because you know rain or shine, that you are fine!

Oh ya, one thing, the tent needs to fit a playpen in it right now because we must contain our monkey, Koen.

So, invest in a good one?

Oh man, I'm getting so excited!! We have only taken Kai camping once and he was just 7 months old. It's time!!

15 Months Old

Kokey Pokey is 15 months old today. This 24lb monkey is awesome. His favourite things to do are; read `Bugs' (he just says `Buh! Buh! Buh!' until you read it to him), climb on couches and tables, run around outside holding a plastic golf club, playing with water (and running into any depth of water which we really have to watch out for), chasing Kai around, diving into pillows and blankets, Blue, eating, drinking milk, and being outside.

He is so sweet. We love him to bits. His newest big word is `doggie' and he loves them. Words he says are: up, mommy, daddy, dai (kai), doggie, pees (please), tuh (touch), bah (ball), buhdie (birdy), and buh (bugs).

Kai is teaching Koen to throw the basketball against the square to get it in. Kai is such a little teacher:) When he tries to teach him a word, he does it the same as I do. `Koen can you say window? Win-dow. Win-dow. Window!' They do play together quite nicely but there are times, well daily, where Kai says he's not going to play with something or watch something if Koen is doing it too. Kai's favourite thing to do is wrestle/tackle him.

The rest of the pictures are his fake cry:) He just makes me laugh when he does it.

Koen has been sleeping through the night FINALLY for the last 2 weeks. He may have gotten up one time in there. So, he usually sleeps from 7pm-7:30am. LOVE IT!

He has two eye teeth that have popped through but still have a ways to go. So, he still just has 6 teeth, but man, he can eat anything with those 6 teeth! He is sick with another cold, he just seems to get so easily. He also still has eczema but it is controlled if we lotion him up 2x per day.

Kokies, we love you SO much. I have a feeling you will be keeping us laughing and smiling for years and years to come. Love you Bubba!!!

Love, Mommy, daddy and Kai.

Listening Award

Kai must've taken this sticker off of another kid at preschool. Is that bad to say about my own son? I even checked to see if everyone got one, and they didn't! He was in time out two times before 9am for his `listening skills'. Maybe my numerous talks with him are working?